The GreenHouse

Ben's New Year's Resolution

2012-01-01T16:15:00.001-08:00

"Don't put ZhuZhu pets in you's hair."

It's a Christmas Miracle!

2011-12-21T22:23:00.001-08:00

I finished my 2010 taxes!

Gratitude

2011-12-09T12:17:00.000-08:00

I know, you're thinking I missed the boat and am once again playing catch up. After all, Thanksgiving was LAST month.

Yes, indeedy it was. But no, this isn't a catch up post. Rather, it's a public declaration of a private decision: to search for peace.

Thanks to the chaos of the last couple of years, I've lived with less peace in my heart than I would like. More confusion, less clarity. More doubt, less faith. More fear, less hope. I've certainly had periods of great comfort and times of crystal clear direction, but as a rule, I have had to work excessively hard for them.

As I've continued to pray for understanding, for direction, for peace, for joy, I've had lots of pushing of the Spirit to one place:

Gratitude.

I'm stubborn. I admit it. It's taken a lot of shoving and a lot of reminding, and I'm finally paying attention. The key for me seems to be in opening up my eyes and my heart to the beauty in my life, in the good and even in the bad. And in order to train my mind and heart to be grateful, I'm starting a gratitude journal. I think I'll see God's hand more clearly as I record his tender mercies to me. I'll recognize the little things that add up to big things. I'll enjoy small moments more and help my family enjoy them, too.

And maybe in the process, I'll begin to shed this tougher skin that feels so alien to me. Being tender feels dangerous. I've armored up, trying to avoid further pain. But, as Amber so eloquently reminded me months ago: "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." Life is pain, but life isn't all pain. By protecting myself so carefully from it, I've hidden away some of my ability for joy.

Eric used a magnificent C.S. Lewis quote at Brent's funeral:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

Ingratitude is a sort of Hell, I think. It turns us to selfishness, to pessimism, to seeing other people as obstacles to our happiness.

I'm sort of done with that. It's time to take back my faith in the world, in humanity, in hope for a good outcome in a bad situation. I'm ready to be the glass-half-full girl again: maybe not as naive in my optimism as I once was, but a wiser optimist is a better optimist anyway, right?

Some of my encouragement to start being more grateful has come as I've been following Catherine on her journey of gratitude. As a result of her posts, I have also been reading Ann Voskamp's lovely lovely blog. I love the idea of working towards recording a thousand gifts (and beyond).

I could wait weeks before I crafted the right kind of post, with the right words, the right pictures, to start my recording. But I won't. I'm casting aside my desire for perfection that hobbles me day after day and just starting with these things for which I am truly, deeply grateful:

1. Women of God, of hope, whose lives demonstrate with their light what God can do with each of us if we are willing to shine, even just a little.

2. Temple worship, for seeing myself more clearly when inside, and for the ability I'm given to see others more clearly when I leave.

3. Music. Today, specifically, this song.

4. Another chance (thanks to Christ and His Atonement) to remake myself. A chance to try again, again, again, and even once more.

5. Hot chocolate.

6. Finally having the Christmas decorations up.

It's a beautiful day. I'm going to go enjoy it.

Catching Up: The October Edition

2011-11-29T22:45:00.000-08:00

Oh, what a month it was.

Powell, weddings, concerts, Halloween. Oh, and that little birthday...

Lake Powell was fantastic. Our favorite parts? Everything. We had a mouse in the boat, a tarantula bit Elle while the kids had their legs buried in the sand, the toilet was broken and the water didn't work, and it was still paradise. Cliff jumping, seeing dinosaur tracks, waterskiing, tubing, surfing, swimming, digging in sand, lizard searching, bonfires, hiking to ruins, laughing and laughing and laughing. I'm so sad David missed it.

Then our sweet niece Marissa got married. We adore Marissa. David lived with her family for a year when he was going to BYU and we have been close to all of them since even before we got married. It was the only cold Saturday in October (of course) and they decided to keep the reception outside. It was gorgeous (and cold) and we had a wonderful time.

My cousin Blake came and stayed with us for a while. We love Blake very very much.

And then do you know what I did? I turned 40. I know. It's shocking, right? I keep thinking I'll be immune from this aging business, but it turns out I'm not!

If you have to turn 40, do it with David. The guy (and my dear dear friends) made it a remarkable, amazing weekend. It started with a surprise party (amazing, fantastic, wonderful) on the Friday night before my birthday. Perfect. Then Saturday morning I ran the Bonneville Shoreline trail from North Salt Lake to City Creek. I've been dying to make that run since the move, and I convinced (pregnant) Liz and Joni to run it with me. It was gorgeous. Seriously. Perfect. I love those women. They are fantastic.

After the run, I went home to find breakfast made by my sweet children (German pancakes and smoothies), and then David told me to clean up and get ready for our outing. Ashleigh came to watch the littles, and we headed down to Utah County. But then we kept going. And David came clean...he was taking me to the Shakespeare Festival in Cedar City and we were staying until Monday. Ashleigh stayed with the kids the whole weekend. BLISS. We saw The Winter's Tale, then spent the next day hiking and seeing national parks. After going home Monday, we headed up to Heber for a birthday dinner at his mom's. A good birthday? Oh, yes. A great one. (And how David pulled it all off? I don't know. He's something else, I tell you. I love that man.)

Other events: fall walks, hanging out with neighbors, and Halloween. We were in charge of the church Halloween party (during which we ran out of all food...), Josh had his first high school orchestra concert and Kate played the first movement of the Haydn C Major concerto.

A very good month.

Catching Up: The September Edition

2011-11-17T22:54:00.000-08:00

September was gone in a BLINK. But what a blink.

Ben started preschool at the most darling neighborhood preschool you've ever seen. Miss Debra is amazing, he has three friends who go with him, and best of all...it's a mile away!!! After spending a year in the car driving to and from the U, his preschool's close proximity is an enormous joy in my life. (Not to mention that Miss Debra is convincing Benno to read...)

We hung out with people we love. Also we ate with people we love. Breakfast at Original Pancake House (twice), GREEK FESTIVAL (yummmmm), and the Green Family Reunion (lots of visiting and laughing fit into an afternoon in Centerville. Simple.)

We also had the sadness of saying goodbye to Tally. But we've covered that on the blog. Moving on...(I saw a Viszla running with her owners by Sugarhouse Park today and it was verrrrry sad.)

Kate had her fall recital.

Sophie turned TWELVE!!!!!!!!!! Beka kidnapped her for breakfast at Kneaders, and I was a good mom (for once) and threw her a party that very day.

But remember how Kate turned eight in April? Well, I finally threw her a party, too (a cooking party. Lots of fun.) Don't judge. Oh, go ahead and judge. It's ridiculous.

Josh played lots of lacrosse and he was very cute. (Don't tell him I said that. He is, though.)

I had a spectacular angel cake fail for dinner with the Fischers.

We spent lots of time with the Youngberg cousins while Eric and Nina had a getaway in CA.

David came home from work one night and said to the girls, "Aren't you sad you're not going to Taylor Swift tonight? Well, maybe we should." He bought 7th row tickets through a friend and off they went. They had a blast.

And last, but DEFINITELY not least, the kids and I went to Lake Powell with three other neighbor families at the end of the month. Gorgeous. Perfect. Fantastic. I will make you suffer through more Powell pictures later.

I am not sure how to wrap up September...it was a fantastic month, but losing Tally was very very sad. So, I guess I'll just leave it at that.

Catching Up: The August Edition

2011-11-10T22:49:00.000-08:00

Once August rolled around, I felt the pressure. The decree had been passed: Summer 2011 MUST BE FUN! And with only three weeks before the return of school, I had to fit in as much memory-making as possible.

Success?

Maybe!

We swam and swam and swam. Swimming lessons for the littles, swim team for Soph. She wasn't sure how she felt about it, but I talked her into going and she ended up loving it.

Mom and Dad came up to visit. We hiked to Cecret Lake with them and Eric and Christina. Gorgeous night. Many mosquitos.

Neighbor time was fantastic. The kids were with their friends all the time: Late nights, Orange Leaf, swimming, running from one house to another. Super fun.

David bought his dream garden tractor. He revisited his childhood by giving the neighbor kids rides in the tractor.

We had to fit in lots of time with the Chos before they left Utah for their new life in Texas. Gloria is one of those people that I loved the minute I met...these kinds of friendships are so remarkable. And so fun!

Bri and Mike came to visit. Celia was darling. Bri announced they're expecting again! So exciting! We wish they lived in Utah...(hint, hint.)

And then school started...Sad. I wasn't ready. I finally had one of those summers that didn't leave me dying to send the kids back to school. I missed them terribly when they left. It didn't help that it was HOT. HOT!!!! The kids complained about the heat (NO AIR CONDITIONING) and I ignored them until I went to Back to School Night and it was over NINETY DEGREES IN THE SCHOOL. Come on, people. Either install air conditioning or let the kids start school after Labor Day. Honestly...stick the school board in one of those schools for a week and see how fast the schools get air conditioning.

Rant over.

My darling cousin Chapin married beautiful Whitney, so we got to see Nana and Boppa again, along with almost all of my extended Paullin family. They make me happy.

And finally, we ended the month by painting Kate's room. We bought the pink and white paint when we moved in. Two years ago. It's been slate blue for two years, and every once in a while, she asked, "When do you think we could paint my room?" And we'd say, "Hmmm...maybe soon." And she'd say, "OK." No fits, no grumpiness...and how is she rewarded? She got to wait two years for her room to be painted. Poor thing. But it's pink and white now and makes us all very happy.

August? Other than school starting (boo!), it was a very good month.

(I kind of like doing these updates a couple of months late. I've forgotten all the bad! The pictures make life look really rosy! I think this is how I should remember all of life!)

Catching Up: The July Edition

2011-11-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

July was busy.

We went to David's brother Paul's cabin on the St. Joe River by Coeur d'Alene for the Fourth of July. It is one of my favorite places on earth. That it remains one of my favorite places, even though the stomach flu went through most of the 12 of us with a vengeance (in a one bathroom cabin) speaks to its remarkable qualities. We spent most of every day playing on the water in kayaks, on the longboard, on the boat, or on the dock.

We swam at the tennis club up the street from our house.

We spent time hiking and in the canyons with friends.

David spent a lot of time at work (the Deer Valley Music Festival begins in July and runs usually until right before school starts.) Sometimes we even got to join him.

We had our 20th anniversary. Yes, indeed, we did, and it was wonderful.

Josh spent a week at the Lyceum Music Festival, held in Midway. He had a wonderful time. David's mom was his host, cook, and chauffeur. We joined him for his 15th birthday, sneaking along his favorite cousin, Ally, who came down from Idaho to surprise him.

Our fantastic friends, the Sharps, came to visit from Florida the same week. We hiked, played, talked, and went to Josh's final concert together. Our friend, David Cho, was the guest conductor, so we had fun with him and his wonderful wife, Gloria.

So pretty much what I'm saying is that July was a good month.

Piano Lessons

2011-11-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

I'm back at the piano again, (maybe) in earnest this time, and having an enormously good time reading and reading and reading. I think I'll have an enormously good time once I settle down on repertoire, too, but it's kind of the difference between dating and getting engaged...when you're dating a piece, you can be all superficial, love the big picture and ignore the problem spots. Once you're engaged/married, you see every little quirky detail and recognize that it's now your responsibility to overcome every challenge. It's great, that kind of hard work, totally great, but sometimes it's nice to go back to the crush stage.

So I'm crushing on some Prokofiev (I'd like to commit to the 7th Sonata, but my goal right now is to stay with smaller pieces, so I'm sticking with The Montagues and the Capulets), the Haydn Fantasie, and I can't decide which of the 20 Scarlatti sonatas I've gone through is really going to hold my fancy. I think I will revisit the 4th Ballade because it deserves to get to the next level.

I'm also planning some fun collaborative work for the near future, and am so excited to play gorgeous music with some wonderful musicians.

Spending so many hours a day working with students or at the piano itself is a little exhilarating. I'm so lucky that this is my life.

I love this Billy Collins poem. So much of his poetry wraps the mundane in the cloth of art. It makes me look more carefully at the details of my life.

It's so much fun to admit that (once again) "even when I am not playing, I think about the piano."

Piano Lessons
By Billy Collins

1.
My teacher lies on the floor with a bad back
off to the side of the piano.
I sit up straight on the stool.
He begins by telling me that every key
is like a different room
and I am a blind man who must learn
to walk through all twelve of them
without hitting the furniture.
I feel myself reach for the first doorknob.

2.
He tells me that every scale has a shape
and I have to learn how to hold
each one in my hands.
At home I practice with my eyes closed.
C is an open book.
D is a vase with two handles.
G flat is a black boot.
E has the legs of a bird.

3.
He says the scale is the mother of the chords.
I can see her pacing the bedroom floor
waiting for her children to come home.
They are out at nightclubs shading and lighting
all the songs while couples dance slowly
or stare at one another across tables.
This is the way it must be. After all,
just the right chord can bring you to tears
but no one listens to the scales,
no one listens to their mother.

4.
I am doing my scales,
the familiar anthems of childhood.
My fingers climb the ladder of notes
and come back down without turning around.
Anyone walking under this open window
would picture a girl of about ten
sitting at the keyboard with perfect posture,
not me slumped over in my bathrobe, disheveled,
like a white Horace Silver.

5.
I am learning to play
“It Might As Well Be Spring”
but my left hand would rather be jingling
the change in the darkness of my pocket
or taking a nap on an armrest.
I have to drag him in to the music
like a difficult and neglected child.
This is the revenge of the one who never gets
to hold the pen or wave good-bye,
and now, who never gets to play the melody.

6.
Even when I am not playing, I think about the piano.
It is the largest, heaviest,
and most beautiful object in this house.
I pause in the doorway just to take it all in.
And late at night I picture it downstairs,
this hallucination standing on three legs,
this curious beast with its enormous moonlit smile.

All About Me...

2011-11-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

October...where did you go? I just took a look back at my blogging history and found that since the beginning of The Greenhouse, I have never before gone an entire month without posting. And there it went. Poof. October 2011 will never be seen again.

And what a month it was...the month of my 40th birthday.

In honor of me, because I'm always all about me, I'm going to do one of those lists we used to see float around blogdom. I kind of liked the junior high-ness of the tagging. It was fun to be popular enough to be tagged! Loved it! So maybe I'll bring us all back to the good old days of blogging (2007 style, woot!), and tag some of you to do the same thing on your blog. No, you're not lucky enough to be 40 (most of you), but you do have 100 interesting things to say about yourself. You know you do, and you've just been looking for an excuse to tell us all. Now you have it! And if I don't tag you, you can pretend I did (since I would if I knew you wanted me to.) I'm tagging Sarah, Danielle, Malisa, Christina, Ash, Bri, Ananda, Sarah, Amber, Megan. And like I said, whoever else.

Which brings me to #1:

1. I have a nearly pathological fear of leaving people out of anything.
2. I'm eating cinnamon sugar pumpkin seeds right now. And they're pretty good, for pumpkin seeds. Since they're sugar coated and all that.
3. I still think my old neighborhood is close to perfection.
4. I love my new neighborhood now, too, and think it's filled with fantastic people,
5. but I wish it was more walkable (schools, shops, parks, etc.)
6. I don't read as many books as I used to.
7. Approaching 40 was worse than actually turning 40.
8. I put away my scale for a couple of months because my sister-in-law told me I was crazy to weigh myself every day. I stepped on it again yesterday and I was 3 pounds heavier than I was two months ago. Guess that didn't work.
9. I'm still amazed that my kids have grown up so quickly. It wouldn't be so shocking if I didn't remember being 15 quite so vividly.
10. I wonder sometimes if I should like music that is more appropriate for my age. Does it bother Vampire Weekend that I like to dance in the kitchen to Run while I make meatloaf? It probably should.
11. Along those lines, Sophie is pretty sure my only job in life is to embarrass her. It may not bother Vampire Weekend that I like to dance in the kitchen to Run, but it certainly mortifies my daughter. As does my kissing her father, singing, laughing loudly, or anything that isn't quiet and calm. (Love you, darling! Smmmoooooch.)
12. I love the Book of Mormon very very much. Also the New Testament. And I'm learning a lot from the Old Testament, too, but I haven't fallen in love with it as much as the other two. D&C and PofGP, I like you too.
13. I absolutely believe in personal revelation.
14. I love my church and the people (imperfect though we all are) who make up my church family. I have had times that my faith has been challenged, but I have never left my church home, and I find that my faith returns when I spend enough time communing with my Heavenly Father.
15. I'm sad that I didn't get into the DMA program, but glad I didn't get into the DMA program. I'm a wee bit conflicted and pretty sure I don't see the whole picture yet, but trying to trust the plan.
16. I've got more issues with my performance nerves now than I did a year ago. I don't wonder why.
17. I've learned that even the strongest pain scabs over eventually unless you continue to poke at the wound. Sometimes it's OK to poke at the wound, but most of the time it's OK to allow it to continue to heal.
18. I think adulterers suck.
19. I know I should hate the sin and love the sinner, but I still think adulterers suck. I'm working on that. And maybe I should qualify that to say adulterers who have no remorse suck.
20. Being married for 20 years teaches you a lot.
21. And yes, marriage is worth the risk, the pain, the vulnerability, the sacrifice. (And no, for the record, David is completely loyal. Totally and fully. I spoke of other husbands.)
22. For my 40th birthday, David threw me a surprise party. Then he stole me away the next day for a surprise weekend in Cedar City (Shakespeare Festival! Fall colors! National parks! No children!) David is pretty amazing. He really pulled out all the stops, and now I'm feeling nervous for his 50th (most of a decade away, mind you) because he set the decade birthday standard ridiculously high.
23. I am losing my motivation to run. I think I need to sign up for a race. But I'm not motivated. So I don't. So I'm less motivated.
24. I still love running trails.
25. I miss Tally sometimes. But I don't ever miss cleaning up after Tally. That sometimes makes me feel guilty. And sometimes it makes me feel relieved.
26. Sometimes I don't dream anymore because I worry that my dreams will be dashed.
27. That's not healthy, so I decided I'm going to start a bucket list, even though I think "Bucket List" is a cheesy term to use.
28. I love fall. Also spring. Also summer. Also winter. This year I think I liked summer the best. But maybe the fall has come in a super close second. In fact, maybe it won.
29. I have a hard time making decisions.
30. I spend an inordinate amount of time choosing what to order at restaurants, but I'm almost always totally happy with my decision.
31. It's hard for me when people are easily offended. I would like to think most people are doing their best most of the time and so we should give them the benefit of the doubt. That needs to apply to the way I feel about people who are easily offended, too, so I'd better work at that.
32. I'm good at some things (accompanying, being interested in people, giving church lessons.)
33. I'm bad at some things (packing, staying on task, keeping my house organized.)
34. I'm average at most things (can't list everything else, now can I?)
35. I have a temper, but I've learned to control it most of the time. When I don't, it's ugly.
36. I love to eat.
37. I love healthy food.
38. I also love unhealthy food.
39. Finding 100 things to say about myself is taking a long time.
40. That's how old I am now.
41. I know everyone says it as they get older, but I really don't feel 40. I look it, and that shocks me every time I look in the mirror. I assume I will feel this way at every age milestone. My grandma says it still surprises her, so I suppose it's just human nature.
42. I love writing, but it's not something I'm great at. I used to want to write a book, but I'm not sure I'll ever spend the time working on writing enough to be good at it. I think I'd rather practice.
43. I feel the same about photography, but not even as much as writing. I used to dream about being a really good photographer, but again, I'd rather practice.
44. I feel guilty when I practice and something else should be done.
45. Something else should always be done, so I feel guilty whenever I practice.
46. Also, I feel guilty when I don't practice.
47. Pretty much I have a problem with guilt. And time management.
48. I'm a night person.
49. I'm teaching lessons at 6:15 in the morning, so I have to pretend I'm not a night person.
50. My mom is one of my heroes.
51. I love my mother-in-law. She is amazing and she loves me.
52. The more I get to know most people, the more I love them.
53. MOST people.
54. I get all riled up about politics, but I mostly don't know why we can't all get along. I have strong feelings, but I can be mostly rational and kind. Why can't everyone? I don't think you're stupid if you disagree with me. I just think that you disagree with me because you have a different opinion than me. And I'm not stupid, just because I voted for our current president. In fact, I can show you my ACT score if you wonder.
55. I got a pretty high ACT score.
56. I love running before dawn and watching the light touch the top of the mountains, slowly illuminating the sky.
57. Running when it's pitch dark and no light ever touches the top of the mountains just makes me feel like I'm up too darned early.
58. I'm up too darned early almost every day.
59. My ideal schedule would be to go to sleep around 12 and to get up around 7:30. That sounds heavenly. I won't be doing that until after my youngest is done with high school. So 14 more years. Oh well.
60. Choosing what to make for dinner is hard for me.
61. One of my worst traits is that I have a hard time following through with things.
62. If I could be better at following through with things, I'd love to figure out how to make a big difference in the world.
63. Among the other things I feel guilty about is not doing more with my time or resources in order to make a big difference in the world.
64. I have no idea why you've made it this far reading about me.
65. I love lots of music, but I really love early 20th century piano music. I'm not a freak about 12-tone or super atonal stuff. I can tolerate it and enjoy it, but I love love love Barber, Prokofiev, Ginastera, Ravel, Mompou, de Falla and later stuff like Rzewski.
66. I also love Bach and Scarlatti.
67. I also love Chopin, but he's less of a crush and more like someone I'm married to...a beautiful, safe part of the fabric of my music world.
68. It's pretty safe to say that my very favorite piece of all time is the 2nd movement of the Ravel G Major Piano Concerto. I'd link to it, but none of the YouTube performances are phenomenal.
69. Another favorite is Bach's Goldberg Variations.
70. I haven't performed either.
71. I don't know why. Oh, except there aren't a lot of orchestras lying around waiting for me to play Ravel with them. If you find one, let me know. I'll be all over it.
72. Haven't been to Europe yet and I'm sad about it.
73. I know that quote about children being a mother's travel, her gems, her riches, etc, and that doesn't even make me feel bad. I want to go to Europe AND be a mother.
74. My kids do a pretty darned good job at being kids.
75. Sometimes I expect my kids to do a perfect job at being kids. That's about as fair as expecting myself to do a perfect job at being a mother.
76. I like vacations.
77. I don't like coming home after vacations.
78. I love long conversations.
79. I love feeling the Spirit.
80. I have some amazing, true friends.
81. That saying, "You can do anything you want; you just can't do everything you want"? It makes me mad. It's mostly true, of course, (except that I never could have been an Olympic basketball player) but I want to be able to do everything I want.
82. I think I'll make my blog private one day.
83. I think I'll go back to taking a picture a day as our family history. If I feel like it, I'll make another blog for them. I think it's a great, quick way of keeping track of what happened in our lives.
84. I've lived in Utah longer than I lived in California.
85. I have a wonderful extended family.
86. I can let things sit in a pile longer than I should. Exhibit A: laundry room.
87. David has become very patient with my weaknesses. Exhibit B: mudroom.
88. Marriage is best when we are very patient with the other's weaknesses.
89. Marriage is also best when you go on dates and weekend getaways.
90. I really really do love that Ravel. I've been listening to different versions of it ever since I wrote #68. The best one on YouTube isn't a video and you have to turn it up high, but it's Martha Argerich and I love her. Listen to it if you want to hear pure gorgeousness and feel a little melancholy all at the same time. It always makes me feel like weeping a little, in a good way. (A recording of Krystian Zimerman is on YouTube, too, and is also lovely.)
91. I love alone time. I also love people time. Sometimes I don't love children time. Children are not always rational human beings.
92. But I love my children deeply. They are fascinating people. They are so individual, so distinct, and so interesting to be around. So even though I sometimes want to send them to their rooms for an entire day, I'm still always glad they're my kids.
93. Except when they fight for two weeks straight at the beginning of summer. Then I wonder what I was thinking, having four children.
94. I wish I were like some people who always seem to enjoy parenting. I always love my children, but I don't always love parenting.
95. Being a mother, though? It's exactly what I want to be, even if it's hard hard work. There are precious, beautiful moments scattered through every day that remind me of its eternal significance. And there's not much better than watching a child recognize truth, or reach some of her potential, or touch another person's life through his kindness.
96. The hard things are why we're here. The beautiful things are why we're here. If we try to skip the hard and think we only deserve the fun and the beautiful, we miss out on what we're really supposed to be learning. Muscles grow by being broken. So do we.
97. I've been broken.
98. I've been made strong.
99. I assume this cycle will occur over and over for the rest of my life.
100. The rest of my life will be however old I am when I die minus 40. That might be 50. It might not. Whatever it is, it will be an adventure.

Natalia

2011-09-14T23:06:00.000-07:00

Our Natalia.

There we were, a cute little married couple, living in our first house, expecting our first baby. What could be more perfect than adding a sweet puppy to the mix?

Nothing, of course. We researched and researched and researched breeds. We wanted a dog that wouldn't bark much but would be a decent watchdog (our darling first house was in a less-than-safe area), that would be patient with children, loving with us, loyal, intelligent, not too small, but not overly big. We decided to take a look at Viszlas. The rest is history.

We found her on a spring afternoon. We had also researched (we did a lot of reading back then) how to choose the right temperament in a puppy, so we watched all the red puppies rolling around together and looked for just the right girl. And we fell in love with one: our Natalia, a Viszla puppy with a round belly, enormous ears, and a heart of gold.

We didn't know that she would be a house dog. We assumed she would live outside. But then we read books and more books and more books and trained her and trained her and trained her and by then we couldn't bear the idea of her being outside, away from us. We had Eric and Christina babysit when we had to be gone overnight. She was, I admit, quite spoiled.

Then of course you know what happened. Baby Josh arrived, and Natalia lost her privileged position. We (again) read and read and read about how to prepare her for the baby (sigh...I miss that surety that the answer to all my questions was somewhere in a book...I just had to read enough...) and she managed.

And she managed when Josh pulled her ears. And when he lay on her. And when he grabbed her face.

She managed when Sophie was born, too, and when Sophie pulled her ears, and when Sophie grabbed her face.

And, of course, she managed when Kate came along, and pulled her ears, and poked her eyes. She had learned by now that babies weren't so bad, especially when they'd feed you food from their highchairs.

By the time Ben came along, she was 11 years old. She was patient with Mr. Ben, as she was with all the others. She loved eating off the high chair. But her face was now gray, and her hip was weak.

Little by little, she lost the constant energy that had been one of her trademarks. As I learned to love running, she had to stop running. Well, she had to stop running with me...she never stopped running away.

For fifteen and a half years, she kept us company. She put her head on our knees when we cried. She let our toddlers play with her ears when we took road trips. She howled and howled when David played the trumpet. And even when she was nearly deaf, over this last year, when I'd practice she would come and lay under my piano to feel the vibrations.

But over the last couple of years, she lost most of her sight, most of her hearing. She made messes of many many kinds, some more horrifically disgusting than others. She started honking this terrible donkey sound (she who never barked). She fell down the stairs over and over and over again. Her hip kept giving out on her. She would stare blankly at the wall.

It's been a long, hard path. We traveled it with her as long as we could. And then we couldn't keep her here anymore.

I knew letting her go would be hard. I did. I struggled and struggled and struggled to know what to do for her.

And finally, I knew what she needed.

So we let her go.

And the world feels emptier. There is no more clinking collar or clicking of toenails. There is no honking bark or messes to clean up. There is no friend to sit with me while I practice. There is no warm head to rest on my knee while I cry about the loss of our sweet girl.

Sweet girl, I hope you are running again. I hope you can forgive us for being human and for not being as strong and loyal and loving as you always always were. Put your head on Brent's knee for me and let him know just how much we miss him, too.

What I Do When I'm Not Blogging

2011-08-26T16:12:00.001-07:00

Teach piano lessons (and yes, thank you, I am having a lot of fun.)
Play with my kids.
Read dumb books.
Eat too many cookies (and yes, thank you, that is the story of my life.)
Decide to go off sugar because I don't want to be fatter at 40 than I've ever been in my life (unless pregnant. And yes, thank you, 40 is just around the corner. Way closer than I'm ready to accept.)
Not practice (feeling slightly guilty about this, but enjoying my time away from the piano just the same.)
Write blog posts in my head, complete with pictures, but never actually get them to the computer keyboard (I have written mind-posts about weeding/sin, unexpected blessings, kids who make me crazy, Ben and his eating habits, how I feel about teaching, why it's wrong that I have a child in high school...and many many more! Are you sad I haven't written them?)
Have my 20th wedding anniversary (and YES, thank you, I WAS a child bride.) (Also, 20 years? I'm pretty proud of us. And I love my husband.)
Have wonderful people come and stay at my house.
Feel sad about my brother.
Feel sad about another brother.
Feel happy about my wonderful family.
Feel happy about old friends and make amazing new ones.
Watch my children swim.
Celebrate my son's 15th birthday in Heber while he attended a week-long music camp.
Sit under the stars on a mountainside in Park City, listening to the Von Trapp children, and Idina Menzel, and the 1812 Overture, and a band that thought they were pretty close to Queen.
Watch my children grow up.
Hike in fields of wildflowers and up mountainsides and to lakes and with friends and with family.
Watch my dog get older.
Recognize the hard and the good and the happy and the sad and how it's all one...all of it...all necessary for this rich, rich life we lead.

Summer, Part One

2011-07-18T16:39:00.001-07:00

I kind of miss my pictures of the day. I like that taking them made me pay attention to the good things (or not so good things) that happen every day. I like that writing about them made me take even more notice of how quickly time was passing and how valuable each moment is. I'm considering starting again, but posting them on a different blog, since it did take up a lot of real estate.

Along those lines, I decided at the beginning of summer to try to make every day fun in some way for the kids. Last summer had some redeeming moments, but overall was a bust. The summer before was also (but not equally) hard due to the selling of our house and upcoming move, so I was determined to prove that yes, indeed, summer can be fun.

So here are some of our highlights: (Warning: Lots of pictures ahead.)

My cousin Blake took me to U2 at the last minute. Our night involved sidewalk moped riding with no lights. A very fun night.

Josh graduated from junior high school.

Kate got an honorable mention in the Salt Lake Piano Competition.

Sophie got locked out while babysitting some of our favorite kids.

We went to the old neighborhood to hang out with people we love.

We walked up to our favorite Shave Ice place.

Josh went to youth conference.

We pulled lots and lots and lots and lots of weeds (oh, wait. That's not fun.)

The kids made goo. And earned blue hands in the making.

This is after the kids made homemade ice cream and sold it at an ice cream stand. They put the $7 they earned on the back of my car and I drove off with it. It was never seen again.

Ananda came to visit, and I met my newest niece, baby Jane. I fell in love love love.

Sophie made a cake with her buddy Canyon.

We danced with Matt in the Great Salt Lake.

The kids bought t-shirts from Matt.

Bri, Celia and Mike came to visit for a night.

Everyone else got to meet baby Jane. Can you see that she is very very loved?

We blew up the alligator pool and had fun.

We had a slip and slide night

We played in the sprinklers.

The kids had an outside movie night.

I let the older kids have a sleepover on the trampoline with some buddies, but will not be making a habit of it.

We had a 4th of July pre-celebration with Ash and her mom.

And then we headed to Spokane to spend a week with Dave's brother and his family.

So far, so good. I think we may have broken the summer curse this year. (Knock on wood...)

Slippery Hope and Roadblocks

2011-07-01T13:32:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple of months, a familiar but long-missed feeling has started growing in my heart.

My 5:50 wake up time on running mornings doesn't feel like an impossible hurdle, making breakfast and doing the tasks of the day take up the appropriate amount of brain time and nothing more. We accomplish much and when we're done accomplishing, I try to pat us on the back collectively about our good work rather than focusing on what we missed. I notice sunrises and sunsets with an inner thrill that has been missing. My children's faces even seem sweeter.

I try to lay aside those thoughts that don't belong in my new framework. Anger...you go away. Betrayal...you go away, too. Insecurity, doubt, fear...take a hike.

I have this fluttering of hope that maybe, just maybe, we're moving out of the winter into the summer. Maybe we're arriving at the oasis that marks the end of an extended desert journey. Maybe the Lord has tried us enough that he'll finally allow us to flourish spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially.

Maybe...

But hope can be such a slippery bugger. It takes so much effort to clear my mind of negativity, to remember that roadblocks are just that: blocks. Not journey stoppers, but blocks. I can travel around them, or climb over them, or if I'm really at the end of my ability to cope, sometimes the grace of God can just lift me over them.

I think that He's trusted me enough in the last few years to lift me over my hurdles less and less often. He's allowing me to struggle and fall. He's allowing my muscles to burn with effort...to reach the breaking point and move beyond it. I still need His grace, of course, and it is often all there is giving me the ability to cope, but I know he's letting me grow, even though the growth is painful, sometimes even seemingly unendurable.

I hit another roadblock today. It nearly sent me reeling, especially since I had allowed myself the hope that something important was finally going to run smoothly. That's a dangerous hope...a hope for perfection in this life. And that's just not going to happen. The right hope is that when things don't run smoothly (and really, when DO they? I think I've decided the idea of things running smoothly is just fiction), I will be given the strength and ability to cope.

(Again, my caveat...I'd really REALLY love for things to run smoothly. I'm no masochist.)

I'm going to pull myself up by my bootstraps, apologize to my children for getting snappy, and move on. I can't fix this block myself, so I'll work on the next one instead. Maybe the one where I have a $122 library fine? (Shhh...don't tell David. It will be much lower when I find all the missing books... Sigh.)

Oh, and it's easier to hope on more than five hours of sleep. Curse you, Veronica Mars and Netflix.

Bitter Blessings: Drawing Winner

2011-06-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

I'm excited to announce that the drawing winner for a copy of Christine Mehring's book is...

Drum roll, please...

#2...LIZ!!!!!

Christine and I will make sure a copy makes it into your hands very soon! Love you!

(I used random.org to generate the winning number. If you didn't win, but are dying to read it, I hear they're already shipping from amazon.)

Bitter Blessings: A Book Review

2011-06-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

I love to read.

I love to read almost anything: magazines, newspapers, cereal boxes, and books of all kinds, of course. Poor David. It made him crazy when we were packing dishes with newspaper and he'd look over to see me distracted over yet another article in the months-old newspaper.

It's a bit of a problem.

I have a special place in my heart for Young Adult literature. I loved YA literature before I was a YA, while I was a YA, and now that my children are YAs. (I haven't resolved the dilemma of parenting children who are at the age I was when I was pretty sure I knew more than the adults around me...let's just say that I am almost ready to claim adulthood at nearly 40, but it's taken me 20 years to accept this "new" stage in my life.)

I also have a special place in my heart for Christine Mehring. Christine and I have been friends for almost 15 years. She is a brave, wise, funny, loyal, thoughtful, and cool woman with a fascinating life story. And she's always been one of my favorite writers, even if only in emails. I'm not going to share any of these emails with you. This is your loss, because she's kept me afloat many a day, made me laugh, and described the world in ways I think but can never write.

I was thrilled to get an advance copy of Christine's new book, Bitter Blessings. It combines two things I love: YA fiction and Christine. Bitter Blessings is due for release near the beginning of July, but one of you lucky readers can get an advance copy.

Despite my early affinity for LDS YA writing (Jack Weyland, how I loved you...) I will admit that my later return to writing with a Mormon background has left me a little jaded. I began the book not knowing that Christine's subject matter would involve LDS characters and situations. And while some of these situations are typical for LDS teen fiction, Bitter Blessings read much truer to me than I would expect from the genre.

The book blurb is: "Megan has the perfect life, but when her mother dies in an accident, everything spins out of control. With the rest of her family falling apart, Megan must confront her past to uncover the truths that will keep everyone together. Thought-provoking and heartfelt, this book shows that even in times of trial, you can often find blessings."

The characters in Bitter Blessings are well-fleshed out. Megan is a multi-faceted teen girl with a big heart and some misconceptions. After the death of her mother, her sister's life spins out of control. While trying to help save her sister from her foolish choices, Megan finds herself with her own difficult choices to make. While she discovers truths about her sister, she also finds unexpected truths about herself, the rest of her family and her best friend, Adam.

The plot has a little romance, a little intrigue, and a lot of life lessons. One of the beautiful things about the book is that the troubles are not easily resolved, and some are not resolved at all. I'm finding more and more that real life doesn't often hand us our problems fixed, tied up in neat little packages, with happy resolutions. Sometimes we face really really sucky decisions. Sometimes we can't make everyone happy. Megan finds this to be the unfortunate case, as well. Happy endings don't mean that everything ends perfectly. Happy endings come when we make the best out of a hard situation and choose to live happily. I loved this quote from the book:

I’ve come to realize that our Father in Heaven wants to bless us—He wants to bless us beyond what we can imagine. Sometimes we’re too comfortable where we are, and we dig in our heels, and He has to pull us kicking and screaming to the blessing He wants us to have, and it’s only after we’re there that we can look back and see His hand, see that He was there all along helping and guiding even when it felt like the world was falling down around us.

I'm thrilled to have been able to review Bitter Blessings. I am glad to recommend it to you as a well-written YA book with enough suspense to keep the plot moving, relatable characters, and real life messiness. If you want a copy, comment! We'll choose one of you at random and announce the winner in a couple of days.

Summer Fun

2011-06-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

Today I got to run with a chukar. It was hysterical. It would run past me on the street, then pause while I caught up, then run some more. I love chukars. And dang, they're fast.

My cute friend Tracy has some brilliant chore ideas. We tried this one on Saturday and my kids asked (yes, ASKED) to do it again today. Woo-hoo!

I had my neighbor and her kids to breakfast this morning. I just texted her on the spur of the moment. They ran down and we all had Swedish pancakes.

Since I've been told by my children oh so many times that last summer was terrible (and it kinda was), I told my kids that we're going to keep track of everything fun we do on a calendar so I can PROVE that it was a good summer. I've already needed to pull it out and say, "No, it hasn't been a boring summer...SEE? Here's PROOF." And every day has had something fun. Here's hoping it stays that way!

(Anyone else think having fun is hard work?)

The Tightrope

2011-06-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

I lost a preschooler today.

I was the co-op mommy helper at the U preschool. Kate joined me. She's been anxious to revel in all the preschool fun and has asked all year if she could help. Today was the day.

During outside time I felt a sense of well-being. The air was perfect June air: soft, warm enough to seek for shade but cool enough to enjoy, a gentle breeze blowing. The preschoolers were humming around, painting with water, chasing each other in a game of Spiderman. Ben "cleaned cars for customers" and "worked hard all day."

During line-up time before returning to the classroom, a little boy tripped and fell and burst into tears. This little boy is The One. You know The One. There's One of them in every class. One time I helped, he grabbed toilet paper from the in-room bathroom and ran screaming around and around, making a trail of paper behind him. When I checked, I saw he'd already unwound two rolls in the bathroom itself. He always has one teacher assigned to him because he runs away any chance he gets, or colors on a wall, or uses inappropriate language (which I find kind of funny, but shouldn't. Like "Let go of my freakin' hand!")

So this little man tripped and fell and got hurt and broke into tears. I happened to grab him first and he snuggled right into me. His heavy, warm body and little boy smell triggered the mommy impulse and I went to work comforting him and loving him back to wellness. He stopped being The One and became a boy to love in that minute, and I loved him. (Isn't the mommy impulse a wonderful thing? If only I could harness it and use it better as an actual mommy.)

Soon all was well. We were heading back to class. I put him on his two feet and made sure Ben and Kate were near and we returned for snack. I felt all was right in the world.

Remember that part about him running away any chance he gets? Well, I didn't remember. I'd forgotten that he needed to be watched every single minute. And I didn't remember until a few minutes later when his mom showed up with him and said, "He was outside on the front steps."

Totally my fault. This little boy made his way OUTSIDE of the preschool building onto the front steps of a university campus and was just hanging out all by his lonesome. My fault. And suddenly all was not right in the world. Every terrible scenario that might have played out ran through my head, and I felt the guilt pile on. I hadn't watched closely enough. I hadn't taken my responsibility seriously, and I didn't even have a glimmer of remembering to see if he had made it into the class with me.

On a normal day, I might have been able to shrug it off, make my apologies to the teacher and the mother (which I did anyway) and whisper a prayer of gratitude that everything hadn't gone horribly wrong.

Instead, I remembered that I KNOW things sometimes do go horribly wrong, that sometimes the stars align and tragedy results. Just the wrong step, just the wrong choice, just turning the wrong way at an intersection, just diving under a waterfall at just the wrong moment. I wish I didn't know this down in my bones. I wish I hadn't learned this particular lesson.

Sometimes we're walking the tightrope and there's a lovely net underneath and when a mistake happens and we fall, we're caught in its happy threads. And sometimes a mistake happens and there is no net. None. And the ground (or the water) is hard and unforgiving. We never know when we fall off that tightrope whether or not the net will be there. Today it was there, and I am so grateful. But last year, on June 9th, it was achingly missing, and none of us have really been the same since.

Faith is getting back on that tightrope again and again and again. Faith is believing that the net will be there when we need it to be, and when it's not there, that we will be given the strength to manage the fall and its consequences. Most days I renew my faith, choose to get up on that rope again and keep moving. But some days the fall seems too overwhelming, the chance for pain too great. Today and for the next two days, I'm feeling the shifting of the rope under me, sensing my feet grip the cord and wanting to fall to my knees and hang on for dear life.

But instead, I'll go plan the barbecue we're having tonight. I'll pray for my dear dear friend whose wonderful father died unexpectedly last week. I'll clean the piano studio and put together the binders for my first piano students who arrive tomorrow morning. And maybe in the living of life I'll be able to fall back into believing the fable that the ground under me is solid. Because it's not. It never is. And it just takes losing a preschooler to remind me.

Things I've Learned

2011-05-29T23:13:00.000-07:00

1. There IS such a thing as too much rain.

2. Parenting gets less exhausting but not easier.

3. Throwing some vinegar in the bottom of my dishwasher with every load gets rid of that white yucky film that was all over my dishes.

4. Eating a lot of cake doesn't make me skinnier.

5. Dogs are hard to take care of when they are 15.

6. I can do hard things.

7. It's more fun to play the piano when I'm not worried about being perfect.

8. Running is hard every time I go out. Easy run, shmeasy run. No such thing. There's really just a hard run, a really hard run, and an I want to puke run. (But it's still worth it. See #6.)

9. I feel almost the same at almost 40 as I did at almost 30, except I'm more wrinkled, more flabby, and just a teensy bit more wise.

10. That boy-short haircut I thought was so cute and hip at almost 30? Looking at a picture of it, I'm thinking maybe not so much. (Yes, my brothers, you were right. Is it my fault it took me a decade to believe you? And admit it?)

Remembering

2011-05-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had a little time to waste. (OK, I DIDN'T have a little time to waste, but I took it anyway.) I was working on some piano studio stuff on the computer, and I clicked over to my blog, wondering if the weather was as yucky last year as it has been this year. (The answer to that is yes, it was terrible.) I got caught up in looking at my spring pictures-of-the-day, and felt very nostalgic. It seemed like a long long time ago that Ben turned three, Kate turned seven, we had snow in April, then in May (oh wait, that was this year, too), that I began to find the beauty in my new life and stop trying to live in the past. My words sounded sweet to me, hopeful, peaceful.

I sat for a while, thinking that the spring of 2010 seemed honey-colored in retrospect, and I yearned for that sweetness, wondering why it felt so far away.

And then I remembered. I REMEMBERED. How could I have forgotten??? How could I have forgotten for even those few minutes? That spring WAS sweet, despite its chill. It was blessed and holy and sacred. Only a week into June, our world would shatter into a million pieces, and looking back, I think the Lord was giving all of us a gift of peace before the tragedy.

It's been quite a year, hasn't it? I have a tendency to try to gather my life into neat little categories, to create stories with beginnings, middle & endings out of the ins and outs of daily happenings. I'd like to say I understand what God's been doing with us, that I see the end from the beginning, but I don't. I know less than I did a year ago, but I also know more. I trust more, but expect things to work out as I expect less. I feel more fragile, but also stronger. I have felt immense pain and immense peace. I have been carefully held in the palm of His hand, and also cast out into the deep water alone.

But mostly, I feel grateful. We are surrounded by beauty and love and goodness. We are all capable of doing hard things. We can hang on through the darkness and wait for the light to shine. It does shine, eventually.

Kaput.

2011-05-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

Goodbye, Rhino the Second, we only knew you for a few days. So sorry you had to leave us so soon.

Kate wants me to go pick up two new frogs on Friday when the new shipment arrives at Petco. I think that bringing more frogs into this house may constitute cruel and unusual punishment. To whom, I'm not sure: maybe Kate AND me AND the new frogs.

(Did I use "whom" appropriately there? If so, aren't you impressed by my usage of "whom"? If not, Chris, you don't have to tell me, because I'm sure I'll use it inappropriately again when enough time has passed and I've forgotten the correct grammar rules for "whom".

Five interviews today for piano students. We moved the Clavinova up to the studio to hang with the Yamaha. The extra desk will venture up there soon (as soon as we find strong arms to help, that is.) First lessons taught the first week of June. Doors shutting, doors opening. And frogs dying. It's an adventure around here, friends. A big adventure.

No, SERIOUSLY.

2011-05-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

Just pulled one of the replacement frogs (bought her Friday) out of the tank. I did everything the pet store dude told me to do to ensure the health of Kenya II and Rhino II...and she was still floating on her back tonight. And Rhino II doesn't look so healthy, either.

Sigh. Pets are a lot of work, even if they don't pee all over their blankets (like I found Tally had when I checked on her while taking care of the dead frog.)

And now I will curl up on the couch under a blanket and pretend I am not in charge of any animals for a long while, or at least until Tally starts doing her old lady bark for attention.

And that moratorium? I guess it's just not happening. Forget I asked. It was probably a bad idea, anyway. I need to be ready to accept whatever the universe has ready for me next, not try to make deals to keep the bad things away.

That said, I'm still crossing my fingers for the continued health and well-being of Rhino the Second.

About That Moratorium...

2011-05-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

Maybe it can start today? Since yesterday Kate's OTHER frog died?

Seriously.

Oh, and on other business entirely, I got my acceptance letter for the U today.

For the masters program.

Oh well...it's better than a rejection letter, right?

A Little More Loss

2011-05-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

Kate was super excited to turn eight in April. Her most exciting decision was to be baptized. Her second-most exciting decision was to buy African aquatic frogs. She bought two with money from her Nana and Boppa and named them Rhino and Kenya. She has talked about them nearly every day, concerned that she's feeding them too little or too much, trying to figure out how to best care for them.

Tonight, she came running out, laughing at the funny thing one of her frogs was doing and begged us all to come take a look. When we went in, excited to see, we saw that one of the frogs was laying on its back, not moving. At all. Not even when we shook the tank.

It was hard to break the news to her. She sobbed in David's arms, filled with sadness and loss. As I took care of the little froggie body, I thought about how much I hate death and about painful it is to confront it in nearly any circumstance. I know it's part of the human experience. I know it's necessary. But I still hate it.

Thoughts about death have been skittering around the edge of my mind for a few days. I've been missing Brent even more because of recent family gatherings, and today marks the 11th-month anniversary of his loss. I remembered him quietly today, talked to him a little, pictured his smile, but somehow the death of this little tiny frog tonight made death too close again, made remembering Brent even more poignant, more painful.

Every death, even as insignificant as this little frog's, seems to now remind me of the life-bending lessons I learned too terribly eleven months ago: that life is fragile, that we are held here on the earth by just the thinnest of threads, and that those we love can be torn from us without warning. It's really kind of terrible.

And yet, there's that other lesson I learned, that, like C.S. Lewis said, "The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal." It is the deal. It's yin and yang. And I choose to feel happiness now, even knowing that loving deeply also allows me to feel deep pain. The risk is worth it.

I would, however, like to ask for a moratorium on loss for a while. A long while, maybe? Is that a fair request?

The Result...

2011-05-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

I didn't get in.

They want me to do a second masters degree. They were still concerned about the number of slips, even though they did have some nice things to say about my playing, too.

I've got a lot to think about and decide. Thanks, everybody, for all the love and kindness and prayers. I've been so grateful for the peace that you helped me gain.

Waiting...

2011-04-28T11:34:00.000-07:00

The audition is over.

Whew. Sigh of relief.

Did I have slips?

Yes.

Did I have fun?

Yes.

Did I make music?

Yes.

Am I at peace with whatever happens?

Yes.

Surrendering is a wonderful thing. I truly am feeling full of peace, and I KNOW I can thank many of you for that. I felt your prayers around me, supporting me, filling me with love. And that was a great gift.

And now for the waiting. They said they'll let me know soon..............

Surrender

2011-04-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure I made this clear back in February, but I have the exciting opportunity of re-auditioning for the piano faculty.

That's a positive way of saying that my earlier audition was less than phenomenal, so they asked me to try again. The good thing about this is that despite some obvious flaws, the faculty decided there was something they liked in my playing and they'd like to give me another shot. The bad thing about this is that what they asked for was for me to get rid of my slips and hesitations.

And to this, I said, "Thank you for another opportunity."

And to myself, I said, "I'm supposed to do WHAT?"

Because here's the thing. It's been 15 years since I was performing real repertoire for large-ish audiences. And somehow in the time since then I've forgotten how to perform without slips or hesitations, if I ever really knew how. Nerves have become a real problem.

I wasn't sure where to start or how to fix this rather major issue in my playing.

But this is the beautiful part. People were sent to me with ideas to teach me, to remind me, to encourage me. I took my first lesson in nearly 15 years and left with my head spinning with music. I practiced and practiced and practiced.

And every single time I performed, I failed miserably.

I memorized sections. I memorized left hand alone. I memorized chordal structure. I listened to recordings. I sang the right hand part while playing the left hand part. I practiced improvising in the style of my pieces.

And every single time I performed, my performances were majorly flawed.

So I started to doubt. I decided to give up. And then to start again. And to give up again. And to start again.

It's been a barrel of laughs around here, let me tell you.

Somehow, the joy of the process evaporated. I felt trapped, exhausted, angry, worried, full of fear. I started to doubt my original (and subsequent) impressions to start this journey. Instead of thinking of my performances as an opportunity to communicate truth and beauty with an audience, I saw them as yet another chance to show my weaknesses.

And then I learned (again) about surrendering.

I finally accepted that the outcome of this process may not be what I hoped for. I may not get into the program. At first, it killed me to even consider this. I had so many dreams for what I'd learn, relationships I'd form, music I'd play.

But I believe there is a bigger picture. I believe there is a plan in place. And when I surrendered to God's plan and expressed a willingness to accept His will for me, the fear (mostly) departed.

So I played for piano group yesterday, feeling that sense of surrender.

And I stunk.

Really. It was bad.

So I got a little emotional. It's hard to be bad.

And then instead of letting my disappointment send me to a dark place, I took the advice of my friends to heart and practiced hard. I worked on making my Bach more dance-like, less heavy, and I played around with the line of the main motive.

And instead of giving up and deciding performing wasn't helping much, I asked another friend if I could play for her last night. She and her husband are fantastic musicians, and I've avoided having them hear my program because I didn't want them to hear the flaws and think worse of me. On the drive over, I asked that I'd be able to focus on communicating, on surrendering.

And it happened! I did it! It wasn't perfect at all, but it was musical, and strong, and FINALLY I had a performance that didn't humiliate me!

So today I'll work extra hard. I'll practice the coda of the Chopin forever, and review my starting sections, and work on the fugal variation and the double trills in the Beethoven. And tomorrow morning, I'll play the audition, and I'll surrender my will to the one who knows best.

(Do I want to get in? Oh, yes yes yes. But if there's a different plan, I'll be ready to accept it...AFTER some tears, of course.)

(And if I don't get in, I'm going to make it my quest to figure out how to become more consistent. I need to know for my sake as well as for the sake of my future students.)

(Speaking of future students, I'm blown away by the doors opening for my teaching. My plan is to start sending out studio policies next week, interview prospective students through May, and begin teaching in June. I'm getting very excited to meet the kids I'll be teaching for the next few years. Can't wait!)

For the Record...

2011-04-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

After putting my kid under hot lights and grilling him for several hours, I have learned the following: He feels his good name is being smeared. He did NOT talk to anyone. He DID, however, throw a piece of wadded up paper at the boy who threw them at his head first, but this was 20 minutes (or so, you know how 14-year-old-boy-time works) before the teacher got mad.

I told him he'd darned well better become the best behaved 9th grade Foods student this woman has ever seen in her 11 years in the Davis County School District or he'll end up with a triple-U in conduct like some kids did last year. And I won't be laughing at that.

But I WAS laughing last night. David kept telling Josh not to "distrub" him, and I was rolling. I'm afraid we all laughed a little too hard and I'm feeling a wee bit guilty. After all, this poor woman has to teach junior high kids all day every day, and that's enough to make me want to nominate her for a major award. And I told Josh that he has a responsibility to learn to show respect for each and every one of his teachers, even when they seem unreasonable. It's a necessary life lesson, and one I'd rather have him learn in Foods class than when dealing with a nasty boss.

Apparently We Need to Talk

2011-04-12T15:32:00.000-07:00

Got another email today from the Foods Teacher:

Your student was involved in multiple distrubances during the Rice demonstration I tried to give today. Because of this they are not going to cook tomorrow along with the rest of the class. This is not fair to the other students but I cannot teach in this kind of atmosphere. Would you please talk to them about respectful behavior and the importance of taking turns in group work.

Also someone combined two of my examples of rice typ es that I passe around. This has not happened in my 11 years in Davis school district. If your student know who did this I would be happy to know. Would you talk to them about good citizenship does not let other people destroy property.

So yes, we need to have a talk. The kid is apparently Trouble with a Capital T...1950's style.

But can I just say, "Hello? Teacher for 11 years? Spelling? Punctuation? Grammar? Proofread your dang emails!!!" How many errors can YOU find? I found 11, not even counting that whopper of a last sentence.

Spring Break

2011-04-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

I just caught the tail end of Sophie's email to a friend:

"This has been the WORST SPRING BREAK EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Is she right?

I don't know. Probably not the worst EVER, but it sure hasn't been a dream. David was super sick. There was all this SNOW (this picture is at the beginning of the three days of snow. There are eight inches out there now.) And of course, most of her friends have been in Hawaii, or NYC, or So Cal. Compared to parasailing in Hawaii? Yup. Worst spring break ever.

But we DID go to the library! And she got to go to the old school's Arts Night! And Josh got to have a party! And we shopped for Ben & Kate's birthdays! And...that's about it.

Hmmm...

My poor kids.

(On another note, today is Benno's fourth birthday and I'm feeling my normal angst about letting him get older. Drat. I can't stop time.)

My Kid is Trouble

2011-03-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

Here is the email I received today (names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent):

Today foods class I had a bag of flour on my desk that I had purchased last night and did not have time to put away before class.

Boy 1 picked it up for some reason and passed it to his friend Boy 2. Boy 2 passed it back but Boy 1 did not catch it. Needless to say I had flour all over my pantry and the front of the room as they tried to clean it up and hide it from me. Boy 1 did convince Anonymous Administrator to let him come at the end of 5th with a friend and he did pick up some of the mess but there is still flour behind the bookshelves and on the flour containers and the floor in the pantry.

Would you please talk to your sons about the principle that if it is not yours you do not pick it up. I cannot imagine what good they thought would come from this mess.

My response?

I kind of laughed.

I know. Does that make me one of "those" parents? It does! I know it does! And yet...I still laughed!

It helps that I kind of know she's a bit of a grumpy teacher just hanging on for retirement. And if there's one thing I know, it's that grumpy teachers hanging on for retirement should NOT be teaching 14 year old boys. Should 14-year-old boys be throwing around bags of flour? Heavens no, and he will be writing a letter of apology and paying for the flour, as well as cleaning her room to her satisfaction, and my email to her made that clear.

But really? I love that this is such an old-fashioned problem to be having in school with 14-year-old boys. No drugs, no smoking, no alcohol, no gangs, no cheating on tests, no fighting. Just good boys getting a little out of hand in Foods Class.

I hope I'm always this lucky.

Path Chosen

2011-03-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think too much.

The truth is, I chose my path at the end of September. And I'm sticking with it.

The thing that has distracted me lately? Doubt. Plain and simple. Doubt in my abilities. Doubt that the inspiration I had six months ago (and many times since) still holds true. Doubt that I can manage to keep juggling all the responsibilities in my life while adding still more.

But this is what I know: doubt and its best friend, fear, are no allies of mine.

After all, I never thought I was a remarkable pianist. I knew before I started out that I have much (oh, so much) to learn. So should I be surprised that I've had a couple of rocky performances? No. I should have expected it!

And balancing motherhood with music-making? I've done it all my life. David is fully supportive. The kids are fine with it. Why am I doubting that I will put first things first? My family will always be my number one priority. But I can still practice and make lunches. I can study and take my kids to their lessons. I can prepare a syllabus and help them finish their homework. I can attend concerts and go on dates with David. It's not either/or.

Am I going to be overwhelmed at times? Yes. That's nothing new. There's even a chance that I work best and am happiest when I face a mental challenge. And I KNOW I'm happier when I'm practicing.

If I get inspiration that my once-right choice is now wrong for me, I'll grieve, wonder why, and move on. I have no desire to force my own agenda if it's not correct. But I'm peaceful about this, excited about it, and ready to sacrifice the unnecessary things in my life to have enough time to practice, to love my kids and husband, and to do what needs to be done.

One more thing: I made my piano blog private. If you'd like an invite, send me your email address.

Searching

2011-03-25T20:23:00.000-07:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

I'm standing at my crossroads, and I'm surprised by the angst rising almost daily in my chest during the last couple of weeks. Practicing four hours a day is difficult in the best of times, and right now doesn't feel like the best of times.

What do I want? I want to take the path of music, of hard work, of discovery, to be a mother, a wife, and a musician. And at the same time I want to give up, to duck my head and say "Never mind," to learn to love the quieter life, to spend more time in service, in homemaking, in relationship-building.

I thought I knew which path to take, which path was intended for me. And now I'm torn. David and I have, after long discussion and thought and prayer, decided I will start teaching again to help make ends meet. This is exciting to me. I've been waiting for it to be right to teach again. I love teaching. I love the long relationships I build with students and families. I love training young musicians, introducing them to the joys of music making.

But how (HOW????) can I add one more thing to my already overwhelming load and to the load of my family? Does this mean I turn back, finding my way to the path I left three years ago? Or do I find a way to gain the strength I need to continue down this already rocky, already steep, but somehow exhilarating path?

I have often wished to have the ability to live two (or ten) lives simultaneously, but rarely as intensely as I wish it now. I want to be a stay-at-home mom with all the flexibility and freedom this life offers. I want to be a pianist, with all the richness and depth and art that life offers. (I'd also like to be rich and have people cook and clean for me, but I don't know how I'd achieve that in any imagined life.)

I also wish I had three or four or five more hours a day, and I thought I could find some time by sleeping less, but I already find myself falling asleep at the keyboard almost every night. Last night I tried to run my program. When I was halfway through the Chopin, my eyes closed and I nodded off. When I woke up, I realized that not only had I fallen asleep again, but I'd skipped an entire movement of the Beethoven. Not the best quality practicing. (I also don't suggest less sleep when driving is so much a part of your daily life. I'm pretty sure it's not safe to fall asleep at stoplights.)

I'm praying constantly for guidance, but the heavens seem closed. Is that because I've already had all the revelation I need, and I should just stay the course? I don't know. But the night is drawing near and I need to choose my path. I can't just stay here waiting at the crossroads or my choice will be made for me.

2011-03-07T22:48:00.000-08:00

The Journey

Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

I love this poem. It describes my life right now so beautifully. And I must clarify: All those voices, the ones with the bad advice, the ones trying to pull my from my path...they are the voices of fear, of inadequacy, the voice of the adversary. My family, on the other hand? Their voices are saying, "You can do this," or "I love listening to you practice," or "How many more hours do you need to do tonight?" They're pulling out my coat and packing me food for the road. They are magnificent.

The road is steep and rugged and challenging, but it's beautiful and exhilarating.

All Done!

2011-02-28T09:12:00.000-08:00

So I did it. It was terrifying, but I did it. I described it over here, and I don't want to retype it, so I'll be lazy and just give you the link.

I am so grateful to all of you for your love and support and kindness. Also, for your willingness to overlook my inability to focus on anything but the task at hand.

And now it's time to really clean my house.

Listening Ears Needed

2011-02-16T15:30:00.000-08:00

So the time is approaching. I have to take the leap of faith and actually start performing. I've set up a few specific times to perform, but if you're wanting to hear the program and you're not able to make any of these, let me know and I'll give you your very own command performance. Yes. You ARE that special.

#1 Tomorrow (Thurs) morning. 10 am. Dayne's Music.

#2 Saturday afternoon. 3 pm. My house.

#3 Next Thurs (the 24th) morning. 10 am. Dayne's Music.

These are casual performances. Just come as you are. Bonus: if you come to my house, I'll even give you a brownie or something equally unhealthy.

Repertoire:

Bach Partita #2 in c minor

Beethoven Sonata #30 in E major, Op. 109

Chopin Ballade #4

Debussy Etude pour les cinq doigts

(and possibly: Mompou Cancion y danza #5...I think I need five more minutes to fill out the hour. I'll be timing tonight to decide.)

To My Blog

2011-02-11T23:17:00.000-08:00

I have not forgotten you, oh dear blog.

You have been on my mind.

I would like to fill you with lovely pictures and thoughtful words. Really, I would.

But I'm just kind of freaking out right now, so this is all you get.

Two weeks from tomorrow is the big audition. TWO weeks. That's fourteen days, blog. FOURTEEN!

I'm practicing four hours a day. And next week I think I'm upping it to five.

My house? A minor wreck. My children? Pretty well loved and cared for, since I'm trying to avoid major practice sessions in the after-school hours. My husband? A saint.

My fingers? Cracked and bleeding.

My head? Totally full of music and theory and technical details. Stretched...OH, how stretched.

My heart? Full of awe at the mercies of a loving Father in Heaven.

I'll be back one day to fill you in on the details. Until then, think good thoughts my way.

(And to my friends and family: if you're in the area and want to be a live body to make me nervous and watch me hyperventilate a little, let me know. I'm going to do a few (a lot of) run-throughs in the next little while and wouldn't mind an audience here and there.)

Will the Germs Please Lay Off Already?

2011-01-26T22:12:00.000-08:00

I got sick on Dec. 23.

Since then, we've had five days with everyone healthy. Count 'em.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Five out of thirty-four.

That leaves twenty-nine days of sick.

And tomorrow will be thirty.

First we had weeks of the real flu (influenza). Fevers. Coughs. Chills. Aches.

Then there was the stomach flu and all the glory that entails.

And then there was the stomach flu again.

And now there is still the stomach flu.

By the end of the month, Ben will have attended ONE day of preschool. It should go down in history as the most expensive day of preschool I've ever paid for. $130 for 2 1/2 hours of playtime? Them there's some pricey play.

Sigh.

(Secretly, I don't mind sickness so much on a here and there basis. I don't mind snuggling up with my kiddos, giving them some Sprite, letting them watch too much TV and read lots of books. Nope. In fact, I quite like it. This, however, has gone on just a wee bit too long, and I'm ready for some health. On the bright side, thanks to all the sickness and cancelled events, I've had lots of needed (very VERY needed) practice time. More than four hours today for the first time in eons, as a matter of fact, and yes, I am proud of myself.)

2010 Resolutions Check-In

2011-01-12T12:37:00.000-08:00

Remember how I made this crazy list of resolutions last January?

Truth is, I'm still glad I made them. I'm pretty sure I failed more than I succeeded, but I still succeeded in plenty. And on the balance sheet of life, that's enough to make me happy.

Here's the last check-in. There won't be any this year, because as you may recall, I have made only three resolutions this year. And really, there's only one: get into the U Piano DMA program and stay happy while doing it.

Sooo....

Spiritual:

Attend the temple at least 10 times (YES)
At least one page of the Book of Mormon every day (No, but I think I finished it twice.)
Read Old Testament. (No, but I read some of it.)
Keep journal of spiritual impressions. (Yes. Kind of. It could use some tweaking, because I mostly use it while I study the scriptures.)

Home Life:

Family scripture study daily (Way more regularly, but not every day.)
Teach children responsibility (We may have made some progress. Or not.)
Picture of the day (I did very well until my computer crashed and I got discouraged.)
Help Josh achieve his Deacon Duty to God (No.)
Work on Josh’s scouting. Get ready for his Eagle in 2011. (We did more work on merit badges.)
Kitchen and great room clean nightly (Nope.)
Breakfast on the table at 7:25 (Nope.)
Menu planning (Sometimes. But mostly nope.)
Food storage improved (Yes.)
Deep cleaning daily (Not really.)
Teach Josh and Sophie piano every week (Josh quit piano and Sophie is taking from Bridget.)
Clean desk every day (For a while.)
Clean car every week (Also, for a while.)
Pay bills and be aware of the money situation every week (More aware, for sure.)
No fines at the library (Absolute and total failure.)
Functioning mudroom (Much improved, but still home to an old, smelly dog, so mostly not used well.)
Organized storage room (Better.)
Fun family outing monthly (Sad, but no.)
At least one family vacation (Yes. Family reunion at Cascade Lake.)
At least one camping trip (Yes. See above.)

Relationships:

Daily service (Kind of.)
Weekly date night with David (No.)
Weekend getaway with David (No.)
Birthday cards to family (No.)
At least 2 dinner parties a month (Mostly.)
Visiting teaching complete every month (No.)

Physical:

To bed before 11:15 consistently (This so did not happen.)
1010 miles in 2010 (I decided not to keep track.)
20000 crunches in 2010 (Didn't keep track here either.)
5 pull ups in a row (And a big no.)
Lose those last few baby pounds (I did well for a while, then the holidays hit, but I'm still on the right track.)
Run a mile in 7 minutes (Yes yes yes! And made it up my hill without stopping a number of times, too.)
Add more strength training (Yes.)
Run some race some time (Yes. Snow Canyon half. In under 2 hours. Yeehaw!)

Mental:

Read one good book a month (Mostly)
Writing...not sure what yet. (Only the blog.)
Photography classes. Improve skills to better record family life. (Took a class. Didn't improve my skills.)

Musical:

Recital? (No. But I started our Piano Group and have practiced more than I have in 15 years.)
Have 20 pieces memorized (Close, if you count separate movements to be separate pieces. That's my way of saying not really.)
Arrange 2 pieces for beginning piano trio (I did one! Armies of Helaman. And it was fun!)

Financial:

Pay tithing on the Sunday after the paycheck EVERY TIME (Almost always. Very exciting.)
Create working budget/envelope system/allowances (Nope.)
Be proactive (Again, I must just ask, what on earth did that mean?)
Don’t use credit cards (We mostly avoided them.)
Get out of debt (Nope.)

Sooooo....

The goals I'm most proud of: paying tithing on time, achieving my running goals, starting piano group, going to the temple regularly, having Sophie take from Bridget, and finishing the piano trio. I would have liked to have done better in the relationship goals and Josh's scouting and Duty to God award, but nothing says I can't keep working on these things, even if I DON'T make them my New Year's Resolutions.

New Year's Sick Eve 12.31.2010

2011-01-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

I had the flu. I gave it to David just before we left California (and my dad, and my brother, and eventually Josh and Ben.) We traveled home miserably. David was sick the rest of the week. Josh picked it up the day after David got better. Ben picked it up the day after Josh got better. And Ben's just about better now...I'm worried who might be next.

All that flu talk is just to explain that rather than party like it was 1999 (which, as I remember, was not the most exciting New Year's for us anyway since David had to work and I was home with a 3 year old and a 3 month old), we spent a quiet evening at home to celebrate the New Year.

While we were downstairs playing games, Ben disappeared. After a little while, we heard a clatter and wondered what trouble he was creating.

He had been eating candy on the kitchen floor (big surprise) and decided to clean up his wrappers all by himself. Love that boy.

So Happy New Year! My pictures of the day are done. I missed many many days towards the end, but I still am glad we have a little slice of life to remember 2010.

Christmas Morning 12.25.10

2011-01-11T20:04:00.000-08:00

Christmas morning.

We told Santa to put the stockings upstairs by the kids' bedrooms so they could open them while we waited for Bri, Mike and Celia to make the drive from LA. I'm pretty sure each of the kids snuck down at some point to see the presents, but the stockings kept them pretty occupied.

When the LA contingent arrived, we had family prayer around Mom and Dad's bed and then the wild rumpus started.

Steven shared present duties with Josh.

Ben got Geotrax.

Kate got Elizabeth.

Christina did a beautiful job of collecting many of our memories and putting them together with pictures for Mom and Dad.

Santa's Little Elves brought Chad a sweet do-rag. I hope he wears it to work every day.

One of the most unexpected parts of Christmas morning was Mike and the cinnamon. He heard the boys talking about the cinnamon challenge. Mike...the guy just loves a challenge. Let's just say that downing a teaspoon of cinnamon is WAY harder than you'd think. Way.

It was one of those quiet, slow Christmases where you stay in your jammies half the day (OK, all day), the kids play happily with their new toys, people talk and laugh, and you sleep a lot because you have the flu and you feel sicker than you've felt in years.

It was a good Christmas. It really was. Other than the flu.

Christmas Eve, Part Two 12.24.10

2011-01-11T19:58:00.000-08:00

Really, are any other pictures necessary?

No.

But here they are, anyway.

We were supposed to have a bad sweater night and do our White Elephant gift exchange, but most of us forgot. Kurt did NOT forget. His bad sweater should win a Major Award.

And look...his outfit gets even better (speaking of Major Awards...)

Briana was the proud recipient of some really large, really frayed jeggings.

And David got an Ironman 2 suit, courtesy of Eric.

Kurt was very excited for Dad to open his present, which turned out to be little blue pills of one sort or another.

Everyone enjoyed Dad opening that present...

(Seriously, I think I laugh more during the Youngberg White Elephant exchanges than I do the rest of the year combined. My cheeks were ACHING afterward.)

Eventually we settled down with reruns of Christmas Story to finish the last-minute wrapping. Normally I'm up until 3 or 4. I did MUCH better this year, and was in bed before 2. Aren't you proud of me?

As we headed up the stairs to bed, I had to take in the scene below me.

It may look like a lot of loot to you, but to me it looks like a lot of love. I love this family of mine. I kind of adore them.

Christmas Eve, Part One 12.24.10

2011-01-11T19:41:00.000-08:00

So we braved the 12 hour drive to join with the family for Christmas.

The whole big enormous not-so-quiet family.

Two years ago, we decided that we needed to have another Christmas with the whole crew, so we got everyone to rearrange the in-law schedule so that we could have a wild Youngberg holiday.

I wasn't sure if it would really happen. We had lots of things get in the way. But happen it did.

Here are all the grown-up girls: Nana, Ananda (+1), Christina, Chelsea, Briana, me, Ashleigh. (And Ash, look how close we are. I was totally breathing on you. Aren't you glad you escaped the flu monster?)

Our dear friends, the Knights, brought over their traditional shrimp platter, but added a ridiculous (and ridiculously delicious) amount of king crab legs.

Kate and Will were darling, as usual.

Mike (with carrot tooth) and Bri. Just wait to see what Mike did Christmas morning...

And Ben walked around the entire day with this penguin and this backpack. Neither belong to him.

Chelsea ate a lot of appetizers. (Well, we all did.)

And then, once we were full on appetizers, we got ready for dinner.

We gathered for family prayer, and all achingly felt the hole left by Brent. But I know a few of us also felt him close by. The night felt strangely blessed, sweet, and holy.

After dinner, we played music and acted out the Nativity. Baby Jesus lasted a little while, but finally walked back to his mom and dad.

The first part of the night over, we tucked the littles into bed, kissed them goodnight, and got ready to party.

Leaving the Old Dog 12.23.10

2011-01-11T19:18:00.000-08:00

It's really evident how much I gave up on my pictures of the day, isn't it? When this is the only picture between the 18th and our trip to California? In December, arguably the most picture-worthy time of the year?

So yeah, this is all you get.

We had to leave our dear old dog at home, in the care of our wonderful neighbor boys. She looks sad about it, doesn't she?

Heber Christmas Party 12.18.10

2011-01-11T19:15:00.000-08:00

Our annual Green Family Christmas Party was a highlight of the Christmas season, as always.

We had soup and breadsticks and lots of desserts, as always.

We caroled to Mom's neighbors, as always.

We had a Christmas devotional, as always.

And as always, I was reminded how blessed I was to marry into a family full of so much love (and so much laughter.)

Since Paul and Cindee are here so rarely, we wanted the girls to steal as much time together as possible, so we decided to sleep over at Mom's house. We played a white elephant game, but with candy bars, and we opened Christmas presents, and we stayed up really late.

Wouldn't you want to stay up late with people like these?

A Softened Heart

2011-01-09T19:54:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about my last post and how easy it was to label the year, how simple it was to sweep the good away and focus so sharply on the pain and struggle.

I think it's fair to say 2010 was one of our hardest years. Even if the rest of the year had been dream-perfect (and it wasn't), the loss of my brother would color my memories of the year. Although we've lost people we love before, we've never experienced anything like the shock and grief of Brent being taken from us. And even after Brent's death, we were bombarded by deaths of loved ones and tragedies all around us. I attended way way way too many funerals. Life has never felt so fragile.

When compared to this depth of loss, the rest of our challenges seem petty. But even petty things weigh you down when loaded one after another after another: the really old dog, depression after the move, financial struggles, loneliness, the slowly potty-training boy, other parenting struggles, so many broken things, more financial struggles, car problems, losses of relationships, house problems, weeding (I know that you may think including weeding is so silly. You haven't tried to weed this yard), $600 water bills, the loss of my hard drive (which included the loss of more than 2 1/2 years of pictures and writing), personal inadequacies, and finally, suffering from challenges that must be kept close and private. These quiet griefs are often the loneliest and heaviest kind. Because they're unable to be shared, no one shoulders part of this burden, no support is offered as there is so abundantly during a public grief. It's been a hard, hard year.

And yet...

This is what the spirit has been whispering to me this week while I'm about my usual business, while I'm studying scriptures, while I'm quiet, while I'm practicing. "And yet..."

A part of me doesn't want to admit to the good, to the growth. It's the part that says, "How can you even consider happiness when Brent's not here anymore? That's so selfish, so small-minded, so forgetful." How can I reconcile his loss with ANY gain?

I can't.

And yet...

There is gain. Irreconcilable as it may be, I have grown this year, despite AND because of the great losses.

I have witnessed hearts opened wide to me. I have felt the support of prayers. I have received inspiration. I have seen beauty. I have made new friends and deepened old friendships. I have moved forward on dreams. I have experienced miracles. I have laughed, loved, and learned.

And my family has changed as well. My children are happier than they were at the end of last year. They're finding their footing, growing into themselves.

We never know what waits around the corner of each year. I never would have guessed what 2010 held for us. I don't know what 2011 holds. But I know that we must have sweet and bitter, this terrible and great duality, to truly live.

My great challenge, then, is to face the future openhearted and full-faced. To accept that great pain waits for me and so does great beauty, and to not flinch as it comes.

It's a beautiful journey.

It is.

Even when it's hard.

New Year, New Post

2011-01-03T22:00:00.000-08:00

2011. Whew. We made it.

I have lots of posts in the works. I will finish the rest of my Pictures of the Day for 2010. And I will comment on my 2010 resolutions. I also have a Year in Review post AND a Decade in Review post coming up. So totally exciting.

But first let me say this.

WHAT A CRAPPY YEAR.

OK. Now that that's over with, here are my New Year's Resolutions:

1. Prepare for my audition in February.
2. Get in.
3. Be happy as often as possible for as long as possible.

That's it. Not quite the same as last year, I know.

I wish I could say I was totally excited, but I'm a little more petrified than excited. Give me a few (hundred) more hours of practicing, and the excitement will be there.

Christmas Piano Recital 12.17.10

2010-12-31T11:55:00.001-08:00

Christmas Cookies 12.16.10

2010-12-31T11:54:00.000-08:00

Christina and her kids and Ashleigh and Holden came over for some cookie decorating madness. Fun (and much sugar) was had by all.

Deck the Halls 12.15.10

2010-12-31T07:45:00.000-08:00

The girls' school has a night of singing to celebrate the holidays. (I'm always surprised they focus entirely on Christmas, without a Hanukkah song in earshot.) Last year I left crying because I missed the old school so much. This year I figured out a way to skip what I'd hated about the year before (mainly the insanity of the crowd) and managed to get through the whole thing dry-eyed and had fun waving at the kids I've gotten to know through helping in the classes every week.

Running Away 12.14.10

2010-12-31T07:28:00.000-08:00

Ben decided he didn't want to be part of our family anymore. He said he wanted a new family.

Sophie talked him off the ledge and asked him if he'd rather just live outside in a tent.

He agreed that that sounded like a really good plan.

So sweet Sophie made him his own little tent on the back deck with noodles, cocoa puffs, blankets, and a pillow.

Yes, in December. Yes, in Utah.

And he lasted and lasted and lasted until it started to snow, and she convinced him to come inside.

We're glad he decided to be part of our family again.

Cello 12.12.10

2010-12-29T21:10:00.000-08:00

Josh had his cello recital at the Main Library. Nicole (his teacher, my friend) recently recorded a few tracks for a CD for Deseret Book. (It's lovely, by the way.) She asked if I would accompany her on a couple of the same pieces at the beginning of the recital.

I love playing with Nicole. We've been playing together since college, and the connection is really easy. It doesn't take a lot of work to feel pretty confident. So we decided not to worry about rehearsing. I showed up and we performed.

We decided a run-through might have been smart when she played a different version of the Thais Meditation than the one for which she gave me the accompaniment. Hers ended 16 measures before mine. Oops. She decided to do some long harmonics for a couple of measures to see if I'd figure it out, which I eventually did. We ended mostly together.

Josh needs a new cello. He's needed a new cello since the early months of 2010. He's playing on a 1/2 size. He needed a 3/4 size. Now Nicole says he needs a full size. I guess not buying a new cello came in handy...we just get to skip a size.

Except did I just mention that now he needs a full size? Why oh why didn't I insist no one in our family could play a string instrument? We already own three pianos. We should have said "Piano ONLY. No exceptions." I guess I'll be selling one of the three to buy a cello. Anyone want a piano?

Apple Peeling 12.11.10

2010-12-21T20:41:00.000-08:00

Kids with morning eyes helping me make applesauce

We held our neighborhood Swedish Pancake breakfast on the 11th. We asked our street to come have breakfast with us and in lieu of neighbor gifts this year, to donate to either the Food Bank or local families in need.

It was wonderful to laugh with my neighbors and feel so much more at home than we did a year ago. There are shared memories now, laughs, teasing. Many friends told me it would take a year to feel comfortable in a new home. They were right. It's still not like the family we built around us in Sugarhouse, but at least we're starting down that path.

Another Orchestra Concert 12.9.10

2010-12-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

Josh had his junior high holiday orchestra concert. He's first chair in the upper orchestra and looks so confident on stage. I can't believe how much more he loves the cello than he did the piano. I also can't believe I went back on one of my first parenting decisions: that my children would play the piano until they could play every hymn in the LDS hymnbook. There are only so many battles I can fight, though, and since he's still learning an instrument, I've decided to let go of the guilt. I think I'll bribe him to learn hymns next summer: $75 if he can learn and perform 10 hymns well by the end of the summer. It's cheaper than a month of lessons, and he ALMOST made it this summer. I think he'd learned seven.

Puzzle 12.6.10

2010-12-21T20:31:00.001-08:00

For Family Home Evening, we finished Kate's 750 piece puzzle. We were all kind of blown away by Ben and his amazing puzzle eyes.

The Midway Creche Exhibit 12.5.10

2010-12-21T20:30:00.000-08:00

Our tradition on the first Sunday in December is to have dinner with Dave's mom and sister and attend the wonderful creche exhibit in Midway. It's my favorite way to start the Christmas season and helps remind my little family that Christmas is about the arrival of our Savior on earth, not just about getting a whole bunch of stuff from a guy in red (which is fun, too. Not knocking Santa or anything.)

Ben started dinner a little before the rest of us. He ate yogurt. We ate roast, potatoes au gratin, orange rolls, green beans, and I don't remember what other amazing food David's mom made. We had the better end of the deal. Wish I knew why this kid won't eat real food. He told me to take off the crust from his orange roll... SERIOUSLY, kid. Get over it already.

The boys decided that dishes sounded like more fun than waiting in line to have the kids' picture taken in costume. I think they were wrong, but I didn't complain.

And Christmas Officially Begins 12.4.10

2010-12-20T23:55:00.000-08:00

Saturday we finally got into the Christmas spirit. We picked out our tree and set it up, ready to decorate at home.

Then we went to the ward party to see a guy about some presents.

And after we'd had all the hot chocolate we could drink, we headed home to finish the decorating. David talked us into putting the tree downstairs for a change.

The Blizzard that WAS 11.29.10

2010-12-20T23:53:00.000-08:00

Remember how Tuesday's blizzard fizzled?

Sunday's blizzard did not.

Thankfully, we have neighbors with snowblowers who like us enough to clear our driveway twice.

Snow is Too Cold 11.28.10

2010-12-20T23:51:00.000-08:00

The snow was fun.

At first.

And then it wasn't fun.

And Then Everyone Went Home 11.27.10

2010-12-20T23:49:00.001-08:00

Lights at Temple Square 11.26.10

2010-12-19T22:50:00.000-08:00

After sledding, we headed downtown to see the lights on Temple Square. Holden was sick, so we had to go without Kurt and Ashleigh. We bundled way up, thanks to the record cold, and decided to take Trax to avoid having to park downtown.

Cold?

It was FREEZING! We all lost feeling in our toes and fingers in a very short time, but big puffy jackets took care of the rest of our bodies (right, Ananda?)

I know I already posted this one, but it just makes me happy.

The brothers took turns carrying EACH of my kids on their shoulders. Yup. Even Josh.

My heart ached watching them so happy together. The last time we went to the lights, Brent was with us, carrying the kids on HIS shoulders.

Abby, Brent, Kate

I'm constantly surprised how happiness and grief live in my heart simultaneously and how both combine to paint the simplest scene in more intense color.

Earlier in the week I'd found out that the pictures on my hard drive were irretrievable. Well, maybe retrievable with a big enough investment, but no guarantees there, either.

Then, when we got home from the lights, I didn't close my camera bag. Ben picked it up and, well, dropped my most expensive lens onto the tile floor, glass first. I heard the shatter and let loose a little wail. My f/1.8 50mm is pretty much dead (it is actually falling apart), my kit lens stinks, and then this...

Ben really felt terrible. I collected myself, hugged him, and told him I knew it was an accident, and besides that, it was my own fault. He hugged me and said he was so so sorry. Sweet little man. I looked closer at the lens and saw that my filter was the only thing that shattered, although the rim is bent and I can't get the filter off, and there's a little scratch on the lens itself. That was reassuring. I took a picture of the little mischief-maker to see if the lens would actually still shoot, and it did.

I won't even say "What else can go wrong?" anymore, because I've found that there's always something worse that can (and often DOES) go wrong and asking fate what else there is around the corner isn't really the best use of my energy.

I'm just glad I remembered that material goods, as important as they can be, are so much less important the feelings of a little three-year-old darling. But man, wouldn't it be nice if my world decided to settle down and be easy for a while?

Sledding 11.26.10

2010-12-17T20:55:00.000-08:00

Sledding is fun. Sledding with my family is super fun. Sledding with my family and Baz, Steven's awesome Alaskan sled dog, is super duper fun.

And Then We Gave Thanks 11.25.10

2010-12-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was a lovely day. We cooked and cooked and cooked and ate and ate and ate. We laughed, and talked, and played some games. I think we played games. We always do, so I assume we did. I was in a cooking and food coma, so I don't really remember.

Chelsea attacked my mom.

And Chad read books.

All in all, it was a very very successful Thanksgiving.

Pie Day and Fixing Sinks and Josh Goes Skiing and We Celebrate My Dad's Advanced Age 11.24.10

2010-12-16T23:35:00.000-08:00

Wednesday we made pies. Lots and lots of pies. I thought if I watched my mom, I might be able to learn some of her secrets. She's a pie genius.

I didn't learn any secrets, but I did have a lot of fun.

And so did Ananda:

Dad and David fixed the sink in the guest bathroom.

And Josh went skiing with some friends.

And we celebrated my dad's 70th birthday with one of the newly baked pies.

I love my dad (and my little sis). And honestly? That pie wasn't so shabby, either.

Thanksgiving Festivities Begin and the Blizzard that Wasn't 11.23.10

2010-12-16T23:29:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks before Thanksgiving I had a fantastic idea. I thought "Why not force my California family members to drive hours and hours to Utah to enjoy freezing cold weather and snow for Thanksgiving?" Strangely, it took a really long time to convince everyone, but I'm so glad they got to be here before the forecasted Blizzard of the Century hit!!!

We made sure we had flashlights and batteries and blankets and food that we could eat cold if the power went out. We made a delicious dinner and sugar cookies and waited for the snow to come.

And come it did, with wind a-plenty. We felt snug and happy with our fire and warm house and games to play.

But then the snow stopped.

Dumb blizzard. Way to get our hopes up.

We WERE glad that it stopped, though, because Eric and Nina had to leave a day later than planned and we wanted the weather to cooperate for them.

Kate is hiding next to Boppa. She's decided I take too many pictures. I'VE decided I take too many pictures.

And what could be more delicious than licking the frosting off a cookie? Not much, except for the little face doing the licking. THAT is one delicious boy, I tell you.

Evy's Party 11.22.10

2010-12-16T23:23:00.000-08:00

We celebrate sweet Evy's second birthday before Eric and Christina headed out of town for Thanksgiving. I love that sweet girl and the way she calls me "Ke-Ke."

Pie Night 11.21.10

2010-12-16T23:22:00.000-08:00

Last year I heard about a fantastic tradition: eating lots and lots of pie BEFORE Thanksgiving. My opinion: It's always great to have an excuse to eat pie. David and I decided that since David's family has gotten too big to get together for Thanksgiving itself, Pie Night would be a great way to see everyone and to say goodbye to my cute niece Brianna before she moved to Texas with her new husband Joe.

Thanks to a snowstorm, we ended up with only Davis County people. Although we missed everyone else, we still had nine pies to gorge on.

Turns out I was right...Pie Night WAS a brilliant idea.

Awards Ceremony 11.20.10

2010-12-16T23:16:00.000-08:00

Doesn't she look mini? I love this girl.

Kate's First Piano Competition 11.19.10

2010-12-16T23:14:00.000-08:00

Sweet Kate performed in her first piano competition. The age range for the competition was all the way through sixth grade. And our little second grader played well enough to earn an Honorable Mention! She was fine about playing, but thrilled to get her traditional end-of-performance chocolate cookie-dough shake at Arctic Circle. Nice to know she has her priorities in place.

Josh is Awesome 11.16.10

2010-12-12T21:34:00.000-08:00

I love pay-off parenting moments. They don't happen often (which is why they're so special), but they're worth waiting for.

Josh was asked to be in the all-district junior high honor orchestra (for seventh to ninth graders). He was the only cellist selected from his school. When he got to the first rehersal, they split to determine seating. And Josh was chosen to be first chair. He had spent good solid practice time with the music, determined to go in with the music learned well, and I'm so glad that he recognized the necessity of preparation time.

After the concert, we celebrated with Tasty's donuts, an old long-lost favorite that we rediscovered near the performance site in Layton. Josh got his favorite...an apple fritter. As big as his head. It doesn't get much better than a boy smiling this big, does it?

(I was smiling just as big as Josh. This school year has been such an improvement for all of us in so many ways. I'm just glad that Josh is really finding his footing.)

My Friend Krisa (and Marianne's Shower) 11.12.10

2010-12-12T21:25:00.000-08:00

I love my friend Krisa. I love her thoughtfulness, her charity, her wisdom, her laugh, and her heart. I also love her family. I took a couple of pictures of them for their Christmas card at the SLC City/County building where her husband works.

Her youngest, Eliza, is one of Kate's good buddies. It had been way too long since they'd been together. I love seeing their happy faces.

Later that night, I went to Krisa's to celebrate the impending arrival of our friend Marianne's second baby. I love Marianne, too. She's passionate, intelligent, funny, cool, and I'm so glad that we've been able to stay in touch. All three of us were in the same ward, and all three of us moved out within a couple of months, so it's fantastic to find reasons to hang out.

Thanksgiving Friend School 11.10.10

2010-12-12T21:20:00.000-08:00

Flowers Because I Ran Fast(ish) 11.8.10

2010-12-12T21:19:00.000-08:00

I came home from St. George to a house full of congratulatory flowers. David outdid himself on the flowers...these aren't even all of them...

Our Poor Kate 11.4.10

2010-12-12T21:11:00.000-08:00

Our poor Kate has been complaining about her stomach and throat since before school started in August. We've been to the doctor, back to the doctor, back to the doctor, and back to the doctor, looking for clues. Finally we were sent up to Primary Children's for tests. Kate did not like having her blood drawn. She babied her arm for the next day or so.

Verdict? Possibly mono. The scary tests all came back fine, so that was good. And the recheck we did last week was clear. We're moving on to figuring out if diet has something to do with her constant yuckiness. After Christmas we'll start keeping a food journal and pulling different things out of her diet.

And to that, I have to say BLEH. My one child who eats almost everything now has to STOP eating things? Just my luck!

Snow Canyon Repeat 11.6.10

2010-12-10T10:27:00.000-08:00

Best Race Ever.

Loved it.

LOVED it.

Gorgeous course.

Good friends (and family!)

Perfect race weather.

And blew my PR out of the water! So exciting. Every mile, I just thought, "Really? I'm feeling this good? Really? I can go a little faster? Okay, then, I WILL." I felt blessed and grateful and happy happy happy.

And everybody else was fast, too.

It was a very very good day.

St. George Bound 11.5.10

2010-12-10T10:22:00.000-08:00

The week of the Snow Canyon half marathon became increasingly complicated. David ended up with plantar fasciitis, which blew our dreams of running together again. He thought he'd come anyway so we could have a great weekend, but then it turned out that he had a major work conflict on Friday night. Long story short, Bliss, Liz, and I ended up deciding to drive down together and stay at Liz's sisters house (hi, Karin! You're wonderful! You're an amazing hostess!) Christina and Eric had worked extremely hard to set up the babysitting thing and had prepaid for their hotel, so they decided to keep with their original plan and left town a little before we did.

This ended up being a very good thing, because their van (Bessie) broke down just outside of Beaver, and we were able to roll into town for the rescue.

The five of us squeezed into Bliss's Mazda and laughed and laughed and laughed all the way to St. George. It made a fun trip even more memorable. Loved it.

Inny Pig (and Picky Eater) 11.3.10

2010-12-10T10:16:00.000-08:00

Ben loves his Inny Pig. This was one of those darling 3-year-old days where Inny Pig went everywhere and did everything with Benno, including eat lunch and make biscuits.

And I just want to have this one for posterity: Sophie picking out each and every miniscule mushroom speck from her soup.

Six Months

2010-12-09T09:42:00.000-08:00

I miss you.

Boy in the Bed 11-1-10

2010-12-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

A boy shows up in our bed almost every night. It's not so fun to have feet in our faces or elbows in our ribs, but could YOU resist that smile? He's a snuggly lovey Ben, and although I look forward to having my bed back to two occupants, part of me will miss his visits.

Real Halloween 10.31.10

2010-12-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

The real Halloween night was spent snug in our house. In Utah, Halloween (like the fourth of the July) is celebrated on Saturday if it falls on Sunday.

David thought it would be funny to take some of the kids trick-or-treating to some of our neighbors, and he was right. It was pretty funny. They hung out at the different houses, eating their candy. I think everyone welcomed a little disruption since the night was a little anti-climactic. Halloween shouldn't be boring.

Concerto Festival, Pumpkins, and Trick-or-Treating 10-30-10

2010-12-05T21:47:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning the girls and I headed over to the U for their Federation Concerto Festival. Kate played a Lynn Freeman Olsen concerto, Celebration, Mvt 1 and Sophie played Haydn in C Major, Mvt. 3. Can you tell from their smiles how well they played? Their performances were real pay-off moments for each of them.

I just love Soph's attitude in this next picture. Sophie, of course, hates it. She's texting Bridget to report on her Superior and is telling me off for taking yet another picture.

President's Circle is exactly what a college should look like: old brick buildings with lots of character, an expanse of green lawn and gorgeous big trees. And spending so much time there (this is where Ben's preschool is, as well as where the music building is) has had one big effect on me: I'm feeling more and more at home there. Fingers crossed that I'll have a reason to spend way MORE time there starting in the fall...

After our concerto festival, we carved our pumpkins.

And then we went trick-or-treating in the pouring rain on our old street. We love and miss our neighbors.

And honestly, this is the PERFECT trick-or-treating neighborhood. (That's my brother's house with our car in the driveway.) The charming houses, the trees with falling leaves to crunch through, the crowds and crowds of happy kids and friendly parents...I absolutely miss it, but am glad to have excuses to go back.

Ezra's Birthday 10-29-10

2010-12-05T21:37:00.001-08:00

Ezra the Knight turned FOUR. We love Ezra in his knight costume or any other outfit. Too bad I didn't get a decent picture of him, because he was a darling knight at his costume party.

And here is our sweet almost-two-year-old Evelyn. We all love Evy.

Halloween, School Style 10-28-10

2010-12-05T21:36:00.000-08:00

Halloween parties in Ben's class, in Kate's class, and in Sophie's class...party day. I was partied out by the end (after being in charge of Halloween Bingo AND a crazy Ben in the last two parties), but I loved watching my kids in their school environments.

Don't you think hammering golf tees into a pumpkin is the coolest Halloween activity ever for 3 year old boys? (Ben is with Jackson, who moved into our old neighborhood after we moved out. Small world!)

Snow and My Little Witch 10-26-10

2010-12-05T21:31:00.001-08:00

Another Halloween party for my party girl and another October snowstorm.

Snow. Blah. 10-25-10

2010-12-05T21:30:00.001-08:00

Despite the extreme length and gorgeousness of our fall this year (or maybe BECAUSE of these things), I am totally not OK with winter's arrival. Snow in October is lame-o, in my opinion.

Our First Pie 10-24-10

2010-12-05T21:29:00.000-08:00

So it wasn't MY first pie (although I haven't made one in years), but it was definitely Josh's first pie. We decided on a caramel apple pie. And, thank you very much, it was delicious. Like really really delicious.

Baking with Josh is really fun. He's good company.

Halloween and Kate's Recital 10-23-10

2010-12-05T21:25:00.000-08:00

Our neighbors threw a Halloween party for some of the younger kids in the neighborhood. Actually, it was more a Halloween extravaganza. Kate and Ben had way too much fun.

After the Halloween party, Kate got ready for her concerto recital. It's been so long that I don't know why Sophie play in the concerto recital. She played a concerto in Federation the next weekend, too, so I can't quite figure it out. It's pretty sad that my brain is so non-functional.

She rocked the house on her concerto (Lynn Freeman Olsen, Celebration, Mvt. 1) and I was super proud. I love this girl of mine!

The Little Witch 10.22.10

2010-12-03T21:56:00.000-08:00

My darling witch.

Fall 10.21.10

2010-12-03T21:54:00.000-08:00

Picking Up Where I Left Off. Almost. 10.20.10

2010-12-03T21:48:00.000-08:00

So I guess I've lost a couple of weeks of my Pictures of the Day in October, thanks to Mr. Crashing Hard Drive. It could be worse.

Oh, wait. It IS worse...I lost 2 1/2 YEARS worth of pictures.

But it really could be worse. At least I have the pics I've posted here on the blog, even if they are very low-res. At least they exist in some form.

So, on to Oct. 20 (which also happens to be my wonderful Mom's birthday):

The kids on our street think David is cool for many reasons, one of which is that he flies RC airplanes. And why is Kate in her pajamas at 5:00 in the afternoon? I just noticed...

One of These Things is Not Like the Other

2010-11-30T16:21:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned how much I love my brothers?

Have I mentioned how much my children love my brothers?

Have I mentioned Benno is a nut?

New Post

2010-11-27T14:36:00.000-08:00

So it turns out that my hard drive had a mechanical failure and nothing was able to be retrieved.

Isn't that fun?

There are companies that can work with the failed hard drive, but they are not cheap. It will be a while before I find out if anything on the old hard drive can be saved. So for now we're starting new.

Isn't THAT fun?

But Thanksgiving WAS fun, so that's good. And I hadn't deleted all the pictures off my camera before the hard drive crashed, so I've got a few weeks worth, anyway.

Resolution Check In...48 days late

2010-11-17T12:37:00.000-08:00

I am a LEETLE bit behind on this check in. And it's funny, because when I looked at my resolutions today, I thought, "Oh? Really? THAT was a goal?" So apparently I should probably have done my check in at the end of September as scheduled so I could remember what I thought was important back at the optimistic beginning of the year.

But here goes.

Spiritual:

Attend the temple at least 10 times. (I've been 8 times. I think I'll hit this one. And this has been life-changing for me. I love being in the temple.)
At least one page of the Book of Mormon every day. (I haven't been totally consistent, but I'm reading 3-7 pages a day and writing down thoughts, and I'm learning more than I ever have before.)
Read Old Testament. (I've read more of the Old Testament than I have since college and have found amazing passages that have taught me so much. So no, I won't finish the entire book, but I've been learning to love it, and I think that's a step in the right direction.)
Keep journal of spiritual impressions. (Yes, mixed with my thoughts from my scripture study. This has been a life-changer, too. Love it.)

Home Life:

Family scripture study daily. (We've really started a habit lately. In fact, I was skipping it last night after Josh's concert and Ben asked when we would study the scriptures. It's not as consistent as I'd like, but it's much improved, and it's been good for all of us.)
Teach children responsibility (We're working on it. The kids have an extra room they're responsible for each week. They sometimes do it well, sometimes they do it not so well, and sometimes they don't do it at all. Sounds like me and laundry... But overall, I think we're seeing some improvements here.)
Picture of the day (I've done pretty well. I've missed a bunch lately, and it's obviously taking me a long time to get them on to the computer, but I think that's OK. The fact is, we'll always have a snapshot (literally) of our 2010...the good, the bad, and the messy.)
Help Josh achieve his Deacon Duty to God (Nope. I blew it on this one.)
Work on Josh’s scouting. Get ready for his Eagle in 2011. (We did WAY more merit badges during the summer than we've ever done before. Other than that, I've been a slacker, so this is a good reminder to help him finish up a little more.)
Kitchen and great room clean nightly (As if.)
Breakfast on the table at 7:25 (More like 7:45. I may try to do better on this, or I may wait to add it to my 2011 resolutions. Nothing like procrastinating to get a job done...)
Menu planning (Sometimes)
Food storage improved (Yes. I'm far from perfect in this, but I did take advantage of some case lot sales and I definitely have more basics than I did last year.)
Deep cleaning daily (What do YOU think? Does cleaning up after the potty-training boy and the old dog count?)
Teach Josh and Sophie piano every week (Well, since Sophie's taking from Bridget and I let Josh quit (GASP! THE HORROR!) I guess I've met the spirit of this one.)
Clean desk every day (Oops. Forgot this one.)
Clean car every week (This happened sometimes. But not lately. David will tell you so.)
Pay bills and be aware of the money situation every week (I'm better than I ever have been, although still not where I'd like to be. Room to improve.)
No fines at the library (Massive and total failure. And not one of you is surprised.)
Functioning mudroom (Better. Not great. It's still the main residence of the old and smelly dog, so that kind of keeps us from wanting to go in.)
Organized storage room (Better. Because of David. And also Malisa. Not something I can claim. But maybe I will anyway.)
Fun family outing monthly (I haven't done well at this, and I really want to. So I'll keep thinking about it.)
At least one family vacation (Our Idaho trip in August was wonderful. Everyone loved it. It wasn't an enormous vacation, but it was very very happy. Also, it checked off the next item.)
At least one camping trip (Score! Two for one!)

Relationships:

Daily service (Sometimes.)
Weekly date night with David (Not so good)
Weekend getaway with David (That was SUPPOSED to be Snow Canyon. It did not happen the way we planned. So not yet.)
Birthday cards to family (Not so good. Why is this so hard for me?)
At least 2 dinner parties a month (Sometimes yes and sometimes no.)
Visiting teaching complete every month (I have complete visiting teaching guilt every month. But I don't think that was the point of this goal.)

Physical:

To bed before 11:15 consistently (I still want to work on this. I have done better than I have before for a little while, then I blow it and stay up until 1:30 doing nothing of importance.)
1010 miles in 2010 (I decided against this one back in the cold and miserable beginning of the year.)
20000 crunches in 2010 (This one was also quickly discarded. And my abs are proof.)
5 pull ups in a row (Sorry, Danielle, but I have not been inspirational on this one. At least YOU got the bar up.)
Lose those last few baby pounds (Some of them are gone. A few of them remain.)
Run a mile in 7 minutes (TODAY! I DID THIS TODAY!!!!! This is why I'm doing this check in, because I'm so EXCITED!!!! In fact, I ran UP THE HILL without stopping (which was another goal I finally met this year), ran a couple more miles, then ran my mile in 6:55!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, it was mostly downhill, but I just don't care, because my body has never been that fast without wheels.)
Add more strength training (I was good at this for a while and need to get back to it.)
Run some race some time (YES! And how about KNOCK MY PR OUT OF THE WATER? Snow Canyon Half Marathon: 1:54:34, thank you very much. I know many of you are way faster than I am, so it's a little embarrassing to be so excited about my pace, but I'm so thrilled to have actually gotten faster this year.)

Mental:

Read one good book a month (I've been practicing more and reading less.)
Writing...not sure what yet (I haven't done much writing, but I'm writing in my journal again.)
Photography classes. Improve skills to better record family life. (Actually, I've gotten worse. Oh well. One day I'll figure out how to improve and spend the time it takes.)

Musical:

Recital? (No. But I created our piano group. And I decided to get ready to audition for my DMA in February, so I think that counts.)
Have 20 pieces memorized (I really should still do this, even with my DMA stuff. I need some just playable stuff in my fingers. I only have about 6-8.)
Arrange 2 pieces for beginning piano trio (piano, cello, and violin) (I've written one! And it turned out pretty well!)

Financial:

Pay tithing on the Sunday after the paycheck EVERY TIME (Better.)
Create working budget/envelope system/allowances (Still in process.)
Be proactive (I really should just erase this because I don't know what I meant.)
Don’t use credit cards (Finally doing this.)
Get out of debt (This is not a one year goal, I'm afraid.)

So...Not so bad.

I'm just going to say that considering how perfectly nasty so much of the year has been, I'm so grateful to also see growth and progress. Heavenly Father has given me more strength than I ever would have on my own, and I've felt His hand supporting me and helping me time and time again, in my enormous needs AND in the silly things like my running pace. Crazy, isn't it? God is good.

Now...back to practicing. I need to memorize some more Chopin.

Fingers Crossed, Please

2010-11-13T18:35:00.000-08:00

So the computer...still not fixed. It's in the hands of the Apple geniuses now.

If the hard drive is as dead as it seems to be, I'm in a heap of trouble and a heap of sadness, because I am a full-on dork. Dork of the highest order. Dorkus extremus. Why do I speak so harshly of my own little sweet self? Because I didn't back up my pictures. Or my finances. Or my writing. Or anything else. Why? Refer back to the first, second and third sentences. Of course I know better. OF COURSE I do. And yet...

The nice Apple genius at the store today told me there was a little hope. So I'm saying lots of prayers and trying not to worry yet. Too much.

And now...back to practicing. Hope you've all had a great and lovely week.

(And for those of you who are a little bit dorky like I have been...Go back up your pictures. Right now.)

Life in 37,000 words. Or so.

2010-11-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, right? And I am somewhere around 37 days behind on my picture of the day posts. And now my computer is broken so I have no access to the pictures that would tell the story of our lives in the last 37 days.
I'm hoping I'll be able to get through the gray screen of Mac Death and fix everything myself in the next little while. (Stop laughing, Chad.) Will you keep your fingers crossed with me?

Until then, here are some of the highlights you're missing:

Recitals. Concerts. Pumpkin carving. Halloween stuff. Maybe some late night messy house pictures or something...there always seem to be some of those filler pics. And yesterday? Well, that picture will be of the Snow Canyon Half Marathon I ran with my amazing sister-in-law, Christina, and my amazing friends, Liz and Bliss, and Liz's sister-in-law Tricia. My goal was to finally get under 2 hours. It's a downhill course, and I thought just maybe I could do it.

And I DID IT. And so did EVERYONE ELSE in our group. It was such a fantastic race. So I'll write about that when I get pictures. (I will NOT be posting the picture Liz snuck of me sleeping in the car on the way down to St. George, though. Liz sent it to David while we were driving. David's response? "This is not the girl I married." It's a real winner.)

There should also be pictures of practicing, because I'm doing that a lot. I'm also doing a lot of laundry and dishes, but I don't think there are pictures of housecleaning. There probably aren't any pictures of me sleeping, because that doesn't seem to happen as much as it should.

There. Was that 37,000 words? No? Well, let's hope the computer is up and running again soon, then, because I'm all out of words for the moment.

Funny David and Bountiful Baskets 10.2.10

2010-11-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

David is not a boring man. Crazy, sometimes, but never boring.

He was on tour with the symphony and had to get the new maestro to a photoshoot early in the morning of the 2nd. While Maestro Fischer and the crew were taking pictures, he decided to climb up from below to surprise them.

Apparently, there are some wonderful pictures of David and Thierry (I haven't seen them yet), but this one captures the moment for me better than any great portrait would.

While David was gallivanting around the countryside, I was holding down the fort at home. I also picked up my first Bountiful Basket (a produce co-op lots of my friends have tried.) I bought the regular share, an Italian package of produce, and a bushel of peaches. I loved all of the gorgeous produce, and we ate very very well all the next week.

Sophie's Party 10-1-10

2010-10-31T21:36:00.000-07:00

Sophie's birthday party was quite the event.

She invited street friends, school friends, and old neighborhood friends. We had pizza for dinner, played Minute to Win It games, played night games, and made s'mores in the fire pit.

She was happy.

I was exhausted. (Shhh. Don't tell her.) (Well, I guess she knows, since I told her the next day how totally exhausted I was. And maybe I told her the day after that, too.)

I'm so glad she has such nice, fun, sweet friends, and I'm glad that I was able to make up her disappointing tenth birthday (a week before our move...let's just say the promised party never materialized.)

My First Piano Trio 9.30.10

2010-10-31T21:09:00.000-07:00

One of my 2010 goals was to arrange two pieces for my kids to play as a piano trio: Kate on piano, Sophie on violin, and Josh on cello. I'd started one months ago but it never got further than writing out the melody for the instruments.

Then I was asked if my kids could do something for our ward's Primary Program at the end of October (one Sunday a year, the main meeting of our congregation is turned over to the children's organization. The kids do almost all of the talking and singing. It gets pretty entertaining.) When I got the assignment, I decided it was time to get started for real.

I thought I had until the end of October, but then Josh signed himself (and his sisters) up for a performance in his seminary class on Oct. 1. So September 29 and 30 found me at the keyboard, scribbling away, trying to finish in time to allow the kids to actually practice once or twice before an 8:10 call time. I'm not a natural at this composing business. I don't have a lot of experience. I am constantly second guessing myself. This was NOT an easy process. But I did it...after lots of prayer and erasing and more prayer and more erasing. I finished...at 2 am of the night before the performance.

And they DID get to play it once or twice before school.

It's just too bad once or twice wasn't enough...Not nearly enough, especially for the seven year old pianist. And despite the sloppiness of the seminary performance, I was quite proud of my efforts AND their efforts.

I was also grateful we had another four weeks before our real performance. Even though I'd been cursing Josh earlier for forcing me to finish the piece early, it was definitely a blessing in disguise. So now I've finished one. I guess I'd better get started on the second...maybe I'll do a Christmas song.

Friend School 9.29.10

2010-10-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

It was our turn to host Friend School. Ben chose Zoo Animals for our topic. Seriously, preparing for the hour and a half of Friend School took me two days. I'm hoping to get faster at this...

Piano Group and Salute to Youth 9.28.10

2010-10-30T21:09:00.000-07:00

Ahhh...Piano Group. I just can't really tell you how much I love Piano Group. I look forward to it like I do nothing else each month. This month was wonderful. Cody and her husband Todd (a wonderful tenor) were preparing for a recital on Temple Square and wanted to run through some of their repertoire for us: some Schumann and Ginastera. So lovely. Jill played some Bach (the first mvt of the Italian Concerto) and so did I (the Allemande from the 2nd Partita. I finished memorizing it the day before). Am I forgetting anybody?

But does anybody have a better name than Piano Group? We've all been discussing it and we haven't figured anything out. Shout out any suggestions you have.

Later that night, David took the biggies to the Salute to Youth concert (the night once a year when young performers solo with the Utah Symphony). They all came home inspired.

Lacrosse 9.25.10

2010-10-24T21:42:00.000-07:00

He's really doing it! I went to his first scrimmage in South Utah County. The other parents warned me that my first lacrosse match might make me cringe. And it did. But by the end, I was thinking hitting people with big metal sticks sounded like a lot of fun.

And even if I was a little worried (which I am. A LITTLE worried) about injury, I can't describe to you how happy my boy is. He loves this sport. He loves his coach. He loves his teammates. And that's good enough for me. Talk to me again after he gets a broken wrist. Maybe I'll change my mind then. But for now, I'm really happy he's found something to be passionate about.

And Sophie got to go to her first college football game with our neighbors. Josh was jealous.